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WHAT'S NEW
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10 frequently asked divorce questions
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Get answers to some of the most important questions about separation and divorce.
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By Anne Bokma
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Deborah Moskovitch wants others to learn from the mistakes she made when she got divorced. And there were plenty, not the least of which was allowing the divorce to drag on for seven years. "I realized there were huge lessons to be learned and I wanted to share them with other people," says Moskovitch, a 48-year-old mother of three who began her divorce odyssey 11 years ago and now operates her own divorce consulting service in Toronto.
Moskovitch sat down with Homemakers Magazine to give anyone contemplating or just beginning a divorce the benefit of her 20/20 hindsight. Here are the answers to all those questions you never thought to ask, are too embarrassed to ask or never knew whom to ask.
1. My husband and I don't love each other anymore, even though we don't fight. Should we stay together for the kids?
"You have to do your own soul searching," says Moskovitch, who urges people to have at least a few sessions with a marriage therapist before calling it quits. "If you realize you just can't make it work, at least you know you tried everything you could to save your marriage."
She points out that studies show children who grow up in intact families tend to fare better in life than children of divorce. On the other hand, the majority of children adapt to divorce reasonably well. Eighteen months after divorce 75 per cent of kids are indistinguishable emotionally and behaviourally from kids whose parents aren't divorced, says Moskovitch.
The other 25 per cent are at risk for poor academic achievement, drug and alcohol abuse, and depression. How well your child accepts the divorce depends on how you handle it. "War between you and your ex is the main factor in kids not adapting," she says.
If your child is having a difficult time accepting the divorce, a therapist can help. "Children don't always share their feelings around divorce and may need a neutral, third party to talk to and help them cope."
2. Don't my kids deserve to know the truth -- that my husband cheated on me?
No, they don't. "It will only confuse the children, may destroy their relationship with the other parent and could have a monumental impact emotionally," says Moskovitch. Although you may be feeling victimized, remember your job is to look after your kids, not the other way around.
"You have to put your own emotions on the shelf to help your children with theirs," says Moskovitch.
3. How do I find the right divorce lawyer for my case?
Do not just pick the first lawyer you find in the Yellow Pages and do not hire your cousin the tax specialist. Moskovitch advises you build a list of lawyers who specialize in family law, also called matrimonial lawyers. Ask divorced friends and their former spouses for their opinions on who had the better lawyer, and get his or her name. Narrow down your list to three and have consultations with each of them. "You need to see if you can have a good-working rapport with this person," says Moskovitch. "You are in this for the long haul and you need to be able to trust the lawyer you choose."
4. Can we get divorced without going to court?
"Smart divorces" don't usually end up in court. In her book, Moskovitch outlines the many noncombative ways to dissolve your marriage, including do-it-yourself divorces, mediation by an impartial third party, arbitration in front of a retired judge or senior lawyer, and collaborative law, in which lawyers work together toward settlement. "Most lawyers know what the financial outcomes of most divorce cases will be, and that this outcome will be roughly the same no matter what form of resolution is used," says Moskovitch. "The emotional impact of each process, though, is significantly different."
Emotions, too, are factors in helping it all happen faster (although couples are required to live separately and apart for one year before getting divorced -- they can live in the same house but not share the same bed). The quickest divorces are those in which both parties are able to work out child custody and financial support issues amicably.
Click to continue...
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