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How to help a friend who has cancer
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Not sure how to help a friend through a tough time -- such as a cancer diagnosis? Lesley Young, who has been that friend in need, shares what worked for her.
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By Lesley Young
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About a week away from my 30th birthday (I'm still bitter about the timing), I learned I had cancer. The diagnosis came swiftly, after a round, fleshy blob tucked deep behind my right knee finally grew big enough for me to notice, though I'd had mild discomfort there for seven or eight years. The blob, it turned out, was a symptom of my nemesis: synovial cancer, a rare soft-tissue cancer.
Although I was a feisty journalist living halfway across the country, in Toronto, I decided to move home to my parents' house in Edmonton during treatment: four months of chemotherapy, followed by another five of radiation, surgery and recovery. I was scared, self-pitying, pissed off and horribly melancholic. My thoughts vacillated between Am I going to lose my leg? (I didn't, although at one point it was a possibility) and Why the hell couldn't I get the chemo that makes you skinny? (My kind of chemo included appetite stimulants. Plus, my mother's shortbread was an amazing antidote to bone-chilling fear. Note: I did eventually lose the weight I gained.)
A friend (and daughter) in need
But the thought that I liked least, and suppressed more than any other, was, My parents have a daughter who has cancer. Considering that it was a very hard time -- perhaps the hardest of their lives -- for my family, what astonishes me is that they did everything right.
For the most part, they treated me normally. My mom maintained a semblance of routine, even over Christmas, which was four months after the diagnosis. The holiday was what it always was: stuffed stockings in the morning followed by a big breakfast, gift opening, picture taking, and nap time before preparing for supper -- a big turkey spread.
Not everyone did a terrific job of being there for me, but I understand. As Janice Spencer, a clinical social worker in the Cancer Care program at Queen Elizabeth II Health Sciences Centre in Halifax, says, someone without cancer can't possibly fully "get" what it's like for the person who has it. That makes it hard to know the right thing to do or say, and obviously, the "right" thing differs from person to person. Still, I'd like to offer my own answers, and some suggestions from experts in the field, to questions you might have if a friend or family member has been diagnosed with cancer.
It's better to say the wrong thing than to say nothing at all
A lot of people I know said the wrong thing at one time or another. A sampling: "If I lose someone else in my life I don't know what I'll do"; "That hat's not very flattering" (I chose not to wear a wig); and "I finally figured out why you look so different -- you don't have any eyelashes." True, these comments were insensitive and smarted a bit. But no one ever said anything that diminished my experience, which can be demoralizing for a cancer patient, says Nicole Couillard, a teacher based in Cochrane, Alta., who also works as a youth- and family-support programmer, specializing in therapeutic and recreational oncology programs for families.
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