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7 steps to effective apologies
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A simple "I'm sorry" may not suffice for genuine forgiveness. Find out how to apologize with sincerity and depth.
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By Jennifer Melo
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Maybe you were inconsiderate, insensitive and or even downright mean. Because no human being is perfect, you've probably said or done something regrettable at some time. When you want to make amends, an apology may be in order.
A well-expressed apology can heal the hurt feelings that result when turbulent times strike a relationship. But how can you do your best to set things right again? Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., author of the bestselling After the Affair, (Harper Collins, 1997), says that apologizing is a difficult thing to do. But it's worthwhile. "When you realize you've mistreated someone, you won't feel good about yourself until you make amends," she says.
In Spring's second book How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To, (Harper Collins, 2004), she outlines a seven-step plan that'll help you to make an effective apology. Follow these guidelines to ensure your apology is a good one:
1. Take responsibility - acknowledge the fact that you caused pain and you accept the blame.
2. Make it personal - Admit that you've done wrong and that you've hurt the person you're apologizing to. This shows that person that you're not just saying "I'm sorry" because you've violated your own ethics.
3. Keep it specific - Describing, in detail, what you've said or done to hurt someone, allows that person to realize that you've assessed how you erred.
4. Go deep - "Tell the whole wretched truth about what you've done wrong," Spring says. A simple "I'm sorry" just won't do, you have to cut deeper to the truth, she says. This "depth of understanding" shows the hurt party that you intend to never make the same mistake again.
5. Make it heartfelt - A warm and gentle tone of voice will help but your sincerity should be an expression of real humility. Defensiveness won't convince your loved one that you're genuinely sorry.
6. Keep it clean - the best apologies are straightforward and contain no "buts". Spring warns that qualified apologies can backfire.
7. Repeat yourself - For serious faults, you may have to apologize often. Spring says it's important to avoid waiting for the right time, when you've worked out your words. Make time, she says, and you can edit or add your words later.
When expressing yourself imagine the other person's suffering. "Try it on as if it's your own," she says. If, after all your efforts, the person you've apologized to doesn't accept your apology, all hope is not lost. "Sometimes the hurt party may not want to relate to you," Spring says. Simply giving an effective apology allows for re-engagement and cleansing, Spring says. It allows you to forgive yourself and move on, even if the hurt party won't forgive you. "Apologizing allows you to restore self-respect," Spring says.
A common assumption is that the person who apologizes is weak and vulnerable but, Spring says: "In truth, usually the hurt party is grateful and has more respect for the person who apologized."
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