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8 ways to be a happy holiday hostess

Rely on sage advice to keep from turning into the hostess from hell.

By Karen von Hahn

Ah, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, the tree twinkling with Granny's handmade ornaments ... your sister's kids up and whining well after midnight, Uncle Burt's customary cracks about your weight and the savaged remains of the turkey that you slaved over rescued from the dog's mouth. Going home for the holidays, or hosting friends and family, is something many of us look forward to as soon as the leaves start falling. And yet that longed-for togetherness can often be a recipe for outright disaster, especially when you are all cooped up together over turkey trying to actually enjoy the many demands of what some ironic soul once dubbed the "festive" season.

The roots of holiday stress
"The holiday season is fraught with stress for families," says Dr. Janet Dowsling, a G.P. psychotherapist in Toronto. She attributes this to our high expectations that the holidays will be a Hallmark moment. But more often than not, holiday time is actually tough on relationships as emotions run high, says Dowsling. At no time is this more true than when families both play and stay together over the holidays. "Half of the people may not really want to be there, and the others are simply stressed by the rigours of hosting," she adds. Throw in a few drinks and things can really get heated as old issues that were never resolved rise to the surface and the "fun" begins.

Relatives and religions
Moreover, hosting takes on a new complexity for modern families with mixed traditions like mine. I'm a busy working mother of two who was raised Jewish and married a Lutheran, so our home during the holidays is a 24-hour pressure cooker as we try to keep all our in-laws happy and well fed. We make latkes and almond cookies as well as my husband's family's speckkuchen, polish the menorah and deck the halls. The shopping alone for Hanukkah gelt and presents from Santa is practically a full-time job. Sometimes the holiday schedule is so draining, and we all get so testy with one another, that we wish we could just hop on the next plane to the Caribbean.

But there has to be a better solution than skipping town. To shed some light on how to avoid the holiday gathering from hell, I polled a few friends and experts. They shared their victories and horror stories, and gave me some sage advice that I'm pleased to pass on. Here are eight great tips for hosting that will make your holidays the most wonderful time of the year -- or at least keep you all on speaking terms.

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1. Mixing traditions
2. Close friends only, don't be a perfectionist
3. Ask for help, be authentic, have fun
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