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Be a better sister: Dos and don'ts
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Whether you're the oldest, youngest or in between, find out how your birth order could influence your personality and affect the ways you relate to your siblings.
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By Julie Beun-Chown
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The baby
Whether a little princess or a royal brat, just one word sums up the youngest girl's experience: powerlessness.
Sure, she gets benefits -- most parenting mistakes have already been made by the time she appears -- but she also has to fight to be heard and taken seriously. "It's easy to see how she might feel powerless when her big sister is lording it over her, but a dose of helplessness comes with being indulged as well," explains Stark. "Psychologists know that self-esteem developed when a person is challenged, rises to the test and succeeds. If everything is presented on a silver platter, she's robbed of the opportunity to enjoy that pride of accomplishment."
That was certainly the case for Billie, a participant in Stark's study. "I wasn't a threat to anybody," she recalled. "I had no power, no status. Not that (my sisters) were cruel or mean, but in the sense that nobody felt threatened by me."
Body image
For better or worse, the youngest's body image is deeply influenced by her sisters. Particularly "vulnerable to criticism about beauty, style and image because they are unsure of their own opinions," says Stark, younger sisters are also far more anxious about weight, breast size and sexuality, because they witness firsthand their older sisters' blossoming sexuality.
"Some older sisters are proud that they have a hand in shaping their kid sisters' feelings about themselves," Stark adds. "These older girls enjoy whispering secrets of womanhood to younger sisters who are often eager students, impatient to try out what big sis tells them to do."
Career
Twelve times more likely to become a therapist than their siblings, little sisters turn to healing because "they tend to be there, in the midst of the family action," says Stark. "I see it as a continuation of them figuring things out, putting the puzzle together."
Youngest sister do's and don'ts
• If your sister undermines and devalues your achievements, work on your own positive self-image and bear in mind her motivation stems from being protective.
• Remember, your opinion matters. You can listen to your sisters' advice, but you're not obliged to take it.
• Be gracious about your unique role in the family. Your middle sister has spent her life feeling as ordinary as you felt extraordinary.
The betweenie
Unspecial. According to Stark, it's the one word middle sisters use most often to describe themselves, even though theirs is the only position to merit a psychological diagnosis -- the Middle Child Syndrome.
Neither the eldest (most responsible) nor the youngest (sweetest or most helpless), the betweenie must carve out her own place or perish. How does she do it? "First, they may retreat into the woodwork, trying to take up as little room as possible," says Stark. "Second, they may ‘scream for attention.' Third, they may take themselves out of the running and get their needs met outside the family."
Not surprisingly, betweenies often rebel, leave home early and forge closer ties to friends than family. But because of that arm's-length perspective, their family often turns to them later in life for balanced, dependable advice. "Middle children are the black sheep of the family. They tend to be the creative ones who stray farthest from the family fold," comments Claudia, the middle of three sisters living in New York. "They're the most independent."
Body image
Sandwiched between a matured older sister and a cute younger sibling, the middle sister often has the worst body image. "She can't help but compare herself to her sisters," says Stark, "and it makes her feel even more unspecial."
Career
Happiest with hands-on and creative careers in business, engineering, writing and research, betweenies avoid any thing that involves unstructured emotional expression, says Stark. "They are accommodating and often independent, preferring to be free to do their own thing."
Middle sister do's and don'ts
• Learn to relish your middle child role; you have the most balanced, even-keeled approach to life as a result of it.
• Develop a little selective amnesia. Rather than rehashing every hurtful event that made you wish you were more like your sister, imagine how you would relate if you were meeting her for the first time.
• If conversations with your sisters always end up in the same choppy waters, refuse to be drawn into talks about your failings or mistakes from the past. Stay focused on the topic at hand.
Sisters, do you agree or disagree with Stark's study findings? Share your experiences being the oldest, youngest or middle sister in our Relationships forum.
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