Most women have benefited from the intense love and support of a female friend. But many, too, have suffered when that same relationship turns toxic.
Why we tolerate unrewarding relationships
When friendships go sour, social conditioning can make it tough to end them. "Friendships are typically seen as a commitment, much like a marriage," says Dr. Maria Janicki, a social psychologist at Simon Fraser University in British Columbia. "So when we walk away it is viewed as a failure to keep a promise."
Walking away can hurt, but sometimes we have no choice, she warns. Typically, a friendship is a relationship filled with intimacy, affection, acceptance and, most importantly, trust. When trust is betrayed, say the experts, the relationship is considered toxic.
Brenda Saunders, a Toronto-based personal and professional coach, says you have to choose whether to continue in a difficult relationship or to walk away. "If you want your friend to accept you for all you are, you have to accept her for all she is."
When to save the friendship
Among the indicators to consider is whether your friend is willing to work on the strained relationship, says author Sandy Sheehy, who has interviewed more than 200 girls and women for her book Connecting: the Enduring Power of Female Friendships (William Morrow, 2000).
If your friend is unwilling to listen or accept blame as easily as she assigns it and is unwilling to make the necessary changes, the friendship probably cannot be salvaged. "Walk away," says Sheehy.
Communication, says Saunders, is perhaps the most important component of any relationship. Any friendship has rocky patches, so the ability to talk through difficulties largely determines the viability of the friendship in the long term.
"We can't expect any one of our friends to be perfect," says Saunders. "But we can expect that when things aren't ideal we can talk about it and take responsibility. When that doesn't happen, the very foundation of the friendship is faulty."
How to "break up" with a friend
To end a friendship without coming to emotional blows, Saunders recommends simply telling your friend how you're feeling. If your friend doesn't respond positively, suggest it might be best if you take a break from each other.
Ultimately, says Saunders, even good relationships are a balancing act as our busy lives constantly evolve. They require ongoing communication and, most of all, tolerance.
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