Keeping an open mind will further expand your reach: perhaps the librarian who looks to be your mother's age or the foreign student who's just putting down roots in the country is a kindred spirit. "If you consider people of different ages and backgrounds as potential friends, you have a wider pool to choose from and the chance to learn from people with different perspectives," notes Patricia Gottlieb Shapiro, author of the book Heart to Heart: Deepening Women's Friendships at Midlife (Berkley, 2001). Jeannine d'Entremont-Farrar, 44, discovered this truth when she befriended Samarthd Gamble, nine years her junior and raised on the island of St. Lucia, at a self-employment training course in Brampton, Ont. Being friends with Gamble has "helped me understand the experience of a woman of colour in a largely Caucasian environment," says d'Entremont-Farrar. "It's no longer just an abstraction."
From acquaintances to friends
It took d'Entremont-Farrar and Gamble only a few weeks to progress from being friendly to being friends. Although they felt an immediate rapport, "To make the transition from acquaintance to friend, you have to be willing to take a risk," says Shapiro. "You might reveal something more intimate about yourself, which invites the other woman to respond in kind." D'Entremont-Farrar recalls the very moment she took that risk. "I brought up a problem involving self-doubt on the phone, and Samartha flooded me with empathy and supportive advice, then brought up a similar problem of her own," she says. "That's when I sensed we were headed toward friendship." At the same time, Haave warns that disclosing too much too soon can scare off a potential friend. Tell as much as you would to a new romantic interest. "It may be best to reveal yourself in stages," she says.
Open wide
To further deepen your friendship and sense of connectedness, Shapiro suggests inviting your new friend to different venues. If you've been bonding over decaf lattes, try a trip to the museum. If you've been going to the movies together, invite her to your home. Taking an overnight trip together can give you insight into your new friend -- how she unwinds before bed, what she's like before her morning coffee -- that all the talk in the world won't reveal.
Not all friends will go the distance with you, of course. Some will remain tennis partners, symphony buddies or coffee-klatsch companions -- friendships no less delightful for their limitations. My relationship with one friend, for example, is based entirely on commiseration. When one of us experiences a professional setback, we get on the phone with each other. After a few minutes of ranting about how unfair it all is, we hang up and get on with our day. Although I would welcome a more three-dimensional friendship with her, telephone rants are all we can afford to give to the relationship right now.
And that's OK, says Haave. Just as you can't expect a romantic partner to fix your appliances, recite Shakespeare by heart and cook a mean Thai curry, you set yourself up for disappointment if you expect every friend to be all things to you. "If you're able to add one or two close friends to your entourage in midlife, you're doing just fine," says Haave. "A handful of close friends is all most of us get over our lifetimes, and that's all we really need."
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