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Overcoming separation and divorce
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When your marriage ends and you're dealing with the emotional and financial effects of divorce, try eight strategies to rebuild your life.
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By Carole-Anne Vatcher
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Divorce is often a painful experience that can affect nearly every aspect of your life -- your finances, home, work, parenting, and emotions will likely undergo a transformation.
At the very least, the dissolution of a marriage can test your most resilient coping skills. It forces you to manage overwhelming change as you simultaneously experience the grieving process.
The following are ways to cope with the challenges that lay ahead:
1. Don't go through this alone
Seek out emotional support from friends, siblings, parents, a therapist or support group. Read books about divorce or go online for resources.
2. Take control of the situation
In the early stages of separation and divorce, hire a good lawyer you feel comfortable with. Figure out how you'll manage your finances. If you feel overwhelmed, ask someone you trust to help or hire a financial advisor or accountant. Feeling organized and in charge will help you to feel better through this difficult time.
3. Develop new friendships, deepen existing ones
Take this opportunity to evolve relationships that you didn't have time for when you were focused on your marriage. Take risks and reach out to loved ones.
4. Acknowledge and honour your strength
Divorce usually involves painful loss and the necessity to tolerate monumental changes in multiple areas of your life. Celebrate your accomplishments and successes.
5. Keep kids out of the crossfire
If you have kids, don't involve them in the issues between you and your spouse. Read books or consult a professional to help you address their feelings or answer difficult questions. Talk to them in an age-appropriate manner and help them to express sadness and anger. Stay involved with, and connected to, your children and don't block the other parent's access to them (unless there is a threat of abuse) -- the kids will need both parents at this time.
6. Don't play the blame game
It's normal to feel anger towards your spouse. But if it feels intense, constant, or isn't changing over time, talk to a therapist. You need to process the ending of this relationship in order to heal and move forward in your life, and that means letting go of blame.
7. Accept responsibility
When you are ready, look at what you contributed to the conflict or disconnection in the relationship. Have the courage to look at yourself -- analysing your actions and choices can be liberating. Don't get mired in self-blame. Be compassionate and forgiving with yourself. The insights you gather will help you to avoid repeating the same patterns in your next relationship.
8. Believe in yourself
Finally, decide to rebuild your life and know that you will come through this. The greatest growth can come out of the deepest pain. If you work on yourself, you will be rewarded with greater wisdom and deeper self-knowledge.
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