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Why do opposites attract?
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A relationship expert and author gets to the bottom of why opposites attract.
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By Daniela Payne
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He likes it cold and you like it hot. He is organized and you can't find anything. He likes to go out and you like to stay in. Despite the differences between you and your partner and the odd disagreement about whose job it is to take out the trash, the two of you get along like two peas in a pod. Have you ever wondered why opposites attract?
Dr. Paul Dobransky, author of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love, (Penguin Group, 2007), provides insights into why you and Mr. Right hit it off despite those many little differences and explains why opposite personalities can create the most intense connection.
Personal views vs. personality style
When investigating why opposites attract, it's important to know the difference between personal views and personality style.
Dr. Dobransky explains that your personal views reflect how you feel. It could be your desires about raising children, your religion, your values and life goals.
He emphasizes that people need to have a similar outlook on more serious issues. "Having solid boundaries, which guarantee mutual respect, and making sure BEFORE ever getting deep into a relationship that the core issues of life are very close in agreement, partners will not have to worry about opposing views threatening their relationship," he says.
Personality style differs from one's views or belief system. "A shy person plus an outgoing person are a great match when they agree on politics, religion and life goals," says Dr. Dobransky. "Whereas a spendthrift plus a shop-a-holic are a terrible match no matter what personality style they bring to the table. They will always conflict over where they want to go in life, and teamwork is an impossibility."
Putting the puzzle together
While the differences between you and your mate may drive you crazy every now and then, you should consider that those differences probably brought you together in the first place. Dr. Dobransky explains that the differences in men and women can help them to fit together like "puzzle pieces", in both sexual and emotional attraction.
When someone has a personality trait that you lack, you may find that person is more attractive to you. Opposites complement each other in ways that provide mental stimulation, explains Dr. Dobransky, and this keeps the relationship growing. If your partner lacks an education, you have one; if you lack in experience and creativity, your partner doesn't -- opposing personality traits such as these allow for couples to put their best attributes together and work as a strong team in any situation.
Dr. Dobransky explains that couples with opposite emotional and intellectual abilities make the best teams. "They offer an endless supply of ideas, emotional energy and personality style that other couples lack," he says. "They form a 'complete person' made out of two separate people with flaws, challenges and quirks."
When differences lead to fighting
You want to turn the heat up and he wants the windows open. Such disagreements may lead to arguments but how do you stop these irritations from escalating into a full-blown fight? How do you keep the peace?
It's important to have -- and respect -- boundaries. When dealing with a minor issue such as who will take out the garbage, remember that continuous banter will not solve the problem. At times like these, Dr. Dobransky suggests compromise as the best and quickest solution. "By compromising, and having respectful boundaries, we can always fix the minor issues," he says.
But, if you disagree on the big issues, such as whether or not to have kids, you will most likely run into trouble. "Questions like these should be asked within the first month of dating," Dr. Dobransky says. "They are non-starters and are likely impossible to overcome."
So grab your partner and take him or her out dancing one night and stay in to watch a movie and munch on some popcorn the next. Put your heads together, learn to love those little differences and you two will take the world by storm.
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