"So what should I say?"
You might be tempted to say, "I know how you feel." Or, "You'll get through this." Or, "When my friend went through breast cancer...." Though well intended, comments like these imply a mutual understanding that just doesn't exist -- even between doctors and patients -- when it comes to battling the highly individual war against such a seemingly universal disease.
Acknowledge the elephant in the room
That being said, I'd rather have someone risk saying the wrong thing than nothing at all. One of my closest friends rarely called, and when we did chat, she trod lightly around my situation. I understood why: she'd lost her mother to cancer a few years earlier. But her avoidance came across as coldness, and I felt very alone when I got off the phone with her.
Some people are so uncomfortable that they avoid the elephant in the room, says Spencer. But, she says, this reaction is often the worst because avoidance can be perceived as abandonment. My recommendation: Don't ignore the cancer in a conversation. Even, "I wish I knew how to make it all go away" goes a long way. As Spencer says, "Most people need to know that their supports are there, that you are there, that you understand they are the same person, and that they are not their disease."
Trust your instincts
Starting every conversation with "How are you?" takes on a whole new meaning when the cancer victim is raging against fate, day in, day out. The key to making conversation is to not try so hard. The cancer is there and -- believe me -- it will come up sooner or later. "The best thing is to trust yourself and use your instinct as a guide," says Couillard. "And don't make the conversation about you."
Sometimes, people personalize the patient's experience by talking about how it is affecting their lives (for example, "I was so worried about your test today, I didn't get a good night's sleep last night"). But this just adds to the patient's burden, because now she has to worry about how she is affecting you.
Instead, says Couillard, "just be present in the conversation and validate whatever the person with cancer is sharing with ‘yes' and ‘is that right' and ‘tell me more.'" Spencer adds another important tip: maintain hope, and point out areas where you observe strength. My inner strength was buoyed greatly by anyone pointing out how well I was coping.
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Acknowledge the elephant in the room
That being said, I'd rather have someone risk saying the wrong thing than nothing at all. One of my closest friends rarely called, and when we did chat, she trod lightly around my situation. I understood why: she'd lost her mother to cancer a few years earlier. But her avoidance came across as coldness, and I felt very alone when I got off the phone with her.
Some people are so uncomfortable that they avoid the elephant in the room, says Spencer. But, she says, this reaction is often the worst because avoidance can be perceived as abandonment. My recommendation: Don't ignore the cancer in a conversation. Even, "I wish I knew how to make it all go away" goes a long way. As Spencer says, "Most people need to know that their supports are there, that you are there, that you understand they are the same person, and that they are not their disease."
Trust your instincts
Starting every conversation with "How are you?" takes on a whole new meaning when the cancer victim is raging against fate, day in, day out. The key to making conversation is to not try so hard. The cancer is there and -- believe me -- it will come up sooner or later. "The best thing is to trust yourself and use your instinct as a guide," says Couillard. "And don't make the conversation about you."
Sometimes, people personalize the patient's experience by talking about how it is affecting their lives (for example, "I was so worried about your test today, I didn't get a good night's sleep last night"). But this just adds to the patient's burden, because now she has to worry about how she is affecting you.
Instead, says Couillard, "just be present in the conversation and validate whatever the person with cancer is sharing with ‘yes' and ‘is that right' and ‘tell me more.'" Spencer adds another important tip: maintain hope, and point out areas where you observe strength. My inner strength was buoyed greatly by anyone pointing out how well I was coping.
Click to continue...
Page 2 of 4
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