"Can I share my own feelings?"
Be open to discussion and ask questions
Again, I recommend asking what the person with cancer wants. I had a wonderful Christmas thanks to my family, who asked me what I wanted beforehand. In fact, my mom made it even simpler for me by asking if there was anything I didn't want to do. Other than limiting visits with my nieces and nephew because of my low immunity, we went ahead with the festivities, including going out to a fancy French restaurant for New Year's Eve.
In retrospect, I am amazed at how the heartbreaking circumstances did not once supersede the much-loved routine of hanging Christmas decorations or opening presents. In a way, Christmas allowed us to experience something good together in spite of our fears. We were grateful for the opportunity to push them aside. (And I suggest avoiding cancer-related cards or gifts. Suggesting I "stay strong" or reminding me that this Christmas was different would have provoked a tear fest. But that's just me.)
Spencer told me how the family of one of her clients with cancer, a woman who normally hosted Christmas dinner, arbitrarily took the responsibility off her plate. "Although they thought it would be helpful, it was just a reminder that something was different. It felt to her that this is what they might do after she dies. She cherished cooking the meal at her own home; it was part of her identity. And people want to hold on to who they are when they are especially scared."
Deal with your own feelings, too
Once, I'd been visiting a friend, and was just out the door, when she started to break down. The cancer-free me would never have left her like that, but I gave a quick, far too firm, "It's going to be OK," barely breaking stride down the front porch. Although I still haven't forgiven myself, at the time I just couldn't face her fear.
According to Spencer, everyone experiences a loved one's cancer in his or her own way. And while it's important to address your feelings, you shouldn't hinder the person from experiencing cancer in any way. That's why she advises friends of people with cancer to seek counselling. Couillard suggests you rally your own support network. Seek out caregiver programs at hospitals and organizations such as Wellspring.
My mom and dad supported each other incredibly well, and are two of the bravest people I know. That I got through those nine months and the long road to recovery with my spirit intact is thanks to my family. As for those who helped -- or tried to -- I like to think that our mistakes might offer some guidance. And that, I think, is my way of acknowledging that even when their efforts weren't what I needed, I am grateful for their good intentions.
Never underestimate the healing power of female friendships, especially when one of your buds needs a shoulder to lean on.
Page 4 of 4
Again, I recommend asking what the person with cancer wants. I had a wonderful Christmas thanks to my family, who asked me what I wanted beforehand. In fact, my mom made it even simpler for me by asking if there was anything I didn't want to do. Other than limiting visits with my nieces and nephew because of my low immunity, we went ahead with the festivities, including going out to a fancy French restaurant for New Year's Eve.
In retrospect, I am amazed at how the heartbreaking circumstances did not once supersede the much-loved routine of hanging Christmas decorations or opening presents. In a way, Christmas allowed us to experience something good together in spite of our fears. We were grateful for the opportunity to push them aside. (And I suggest avoiding cancer-related cards or gifts. Suggesting I "stay strong" or reminding me that this Christmas was different would have provoked a tear fest. But that's just me.)
Spencer told me how the family of one of her clients with cancer, a woman who normally hosted Christmas dinner, arbitrarily took the responsibility off her plate. "Although they thought it would be helpful, it was just a reminder that something was different. It felt to her that this is what they might do after she dies. She cherished cooking the meal at her own home; it was part of her identity. And people want to hold on to who they are when they are especially scared."
Deal with your own feelings, too
Once, I'd been visiting a friend, and was just out the door, when she started to break down. The cancer-free me would never have left her like that, but I gave a quick, far too firm, "It's going to be OK," barely breaking stride down the front porch. Although I still haven't forgiven myself, at the time I just couldn't face her fear.
According to Spencer, everyone experiences a loved one's cancer in his or her own way. And while it's important to address your feelings, you shouldn't hinder the person from experiencing cancer in any way. That's why she advises friends of people with cancer to seek counselling. Couillard suggests you rally your own support network. Seek out caregiver programs at hospitals and organizations such as Wellspring.
My mom and dad supported each other incredibly well, and are two of the bravest people I know. That I got through those nine months and the long road to recovery with my spirit intact is thanks to my family. As for those who helped -- or tried to -- I like to think that our mistakes might offer some guidance. And that, I think, is my way of acknowledging that even when their efforts weren't what I needed, I am grateful for their good intentions.
Never underestimate the healing power of female friendships, especially when one of your buds needs a shoulder to lean on.
Page 4 of 4
 | This article was first printed in the December-January 2009 issue of Homemakers Magazine. Click to subscribe online and never miss an issue. |
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