Longtime Gal Pals
Certainly, women seem driven to form friendships with other females. Right from our early days in play groups and pre-school, little girls are drawn to one another and grow up to develop more intimate friendships than boys do and also create larger social networks. Women have long gathered in groups to support one another and share their interests. In the pioneer days, we held quilting bees. These days we gather and gab in book clubs, fitness challenges, investment groups and informal girlfriend groups. Many of us form "best friend" bonds with another woman and like Betty and Wilma, Lucy and Ethel, and Mary and Rhoda, stand by one another through all of real life's comedies and tragedies.
For better or for worse
Gail Gillespie and Jane Lang share that kind of bond. The two Peterborough, Ont., school teachers met 13 years ago when they were both assigned to the same school. As Lang, 55, tells it, the two "just clicked" and a great friendship was born. The women have stood by each other through many crises, including the deaths of Gillespie's parents and the end of Lang's marriage. This past summer they faced their greatest crisis together when Lang was diagnosed with a rare form of skin cancer. "The skin doctor basically told me to go home and die," says Lang.
Gillespie, 51, now a school principal, was devastated. "It was horrible, awful. I've lost both my parents and my husband's parents but I've never experienced anything like how I felt when I found out what the doctor told Jane," she says.
A friend in need
But neither of these strong women was about to give up without a fight. Much of their teacher's summer off was spent on the highway driving between Peterborough and Oshawa with Gillespie at the wheel delivering her friend to countless medical appointments.
Gillespie regarded all of the time spent with doctors and lab technicians simply as "our appointments" and makes it clear that there was "nothing noble and nothing kind" about what she did for her friend. "She's so important to me, so perhaps a part of being with her was selfish as well. This level of friendship simply transcends." And, it seems this story has a happy ending. By summer's end, Lang's prognosis was positive, with surgeons telling her they believe they have removed all cancerous cells.
Toronto individual and couples therapist Carole-Anne Vatcher routinely seeks to find out if her clients have good friends in their lives, because she is certain those who do have "much better coping skills." "I have the sense that women's friendships help keep them sane," she says.
Certainly many women would agree with this. "I can say with absolute certainty that my best friend Heidi has likely helped me stave off several bouts of depression and insanity in my time," says Vancouver writer Gwendolyn Richards, 26. "No matter what crisis I am going through -- and believe me, I seem to go through a lot of them -- I can call her and she will calm me down. If she is away and we have no contact, I feel like my arm has been cut off."
Facing challenges together
Over the course of our lives, our friendships with other women become increasingly important. As we move into our middle ages, the only sure thing we can expect is change and challenges -- illness, divorce, the empty nest, our parents' deaths. "It is our friends who keep us anchored and grounded amid the sea of changes within us and around us," says Patricia Gottlieb Shapiro in her book Heart to Heart: Deepening Women's Friendships at Midlife (Berkley Publishing Group, 2001).
While scientific and anecdotal evidence leaves little doubt that connections with other women are immensely important, time-crunched women often feel duty-bound to push friendship to the back-burner of their lives in order to juggle work and family pressures. "Women can't help but see friendships as the "treat" they can allow themselves only after the business of the day is done -- if it's done," write Goodman and O'Brien.
Prioritize pals
Taylor hopes her research into women and stress will convince women how important it is to commit time and energy to their friendships. "Friends should not be something we attend to after everything else is done. If we don't make a strong effort to build friendship into our lives we won't have the protection, solace and support we need."
Perhaps we could all take a few lessons in tending and befriending from Margaret Campbell of Alliston, Ont., who celebrated her 90th birthday in August with her dear friend Winnifred -- her friend for more than 80 years -- at her side. The women met in Sunday school sometime around the second grade and though Winnifred and her sister moved to the U.S. in their teen years, they've remained close through most of the 20th century. For many years they visited each other annually. Campbell says Winnifred always showed up to support her through the good and bad times of her life -- her wedding (Winnifred was a bridesmaid), the birth of her children, the death of one of her children and the loss of her husband when she was 62. "At times, we've been busy with our own lives, but we've always kept in touch, always phoned and sent Christmas and birthday cards," says Campbell. "I think we just became a part of each other and now we're bonded for life. It's like having an anchor to the past. We've both just turned 90 and now we've decided we're going to head for 100 together."
So what are you waiting for? Go call a girlfriend now. You'll definitely feel better. And you might add years to your life.
