How to love your life

To any observer, Sue Hobson led a fulfilling life. A 48-year-old wife and mother of two, she met professional deadlines with aplomb in her fast-paced job as a legal assistant for one of Alberta's top law firms and she was active in her community -- a driving force behind an annual fund-raiser for the University of Alberta Hospital Foundation in Edmonton. In her admittedly rare spare time, Sue played bridge with friends, cross-stitched and cheered with her husband at the hockey games that comprised their regular outings.

A nagging emptiness
But to Sue, life was far from satisfying. Although she loved her work and family and was committed to her volunteer projects and hobbies, she felt dogged by an unaccountable hollowness. As she rushed from activity to activity without really immersing herself in -- or enjoying -- any of them, Sue's mind constantly raced ahead to the next task or deadline. "I was just doing things, going through the motions, operating on autopilot," she recalls.

Sue's situation might sound like a straightforward case of too much to do. But psychologists, who are starting to fully understand hurried-woman syndrome (a term coined for overworked and stressed-out women experiencing fatigue and lack of interest in life's pleasures) would say that Sue had disengaged.

A missing element
More and more of us feel that way these days, says Richard Earle, a psychologist and managing director of the Canadian Institute of Stress in Toronto (visit their website at stresscanada.org). Like some others in his profession, Earle believes that the traditional definition of mental health -- the absence of disorders such as depression and anxiety, along with the presence of effective coping skills -- doesn't explain why so many people with outwardly happy lives, like Sue, are not happy. What's missing, they say, is engagement: an active, conscious embracing of life that ultimately creates contentment and joy.

"A person is living an engaged lifestyle if it nourishes her psychologically, socially and physically," says Earle. An engaged woman has a fantastic feeling of being alive, a sense of satisfaction with all -- or most -- areas of her life and a sense that her time and energy are well spent. She is able to live in the moment, as opposed to dwelling on the past or what lies ahead, and feels alert and energetic more frequently than she does agitated, forgetful or numb. If the latter description is par for the course for you, there's a good chance that life now is simply something that you're letting happen to you, instead of a journey that you are consciously choosing to lead.

The silver lining is that you can become re-engaged in life, says Earle. He maintains that almost all women, using a process he terms "active satisfaction," can increase their enjoyment of any given area of life by 30 per cent. Who could turn down a guarantee like that?

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Perhaps, like Sue, you feel vaguely dissatisfied but unable to identify exactly why. And indeed, says Earle, the first step in active satisfaction is to conduct an honest self-assessment. At the institute, Earle gives clients a 25-item questionnaire asking them to describe the amount of return or satisfaction they feel they are getting in five key areas: mental or emotional well-being; physical health; social life; financial affairs; and work, whether it's in or out of the home. For clients who are open to it, Earle adds another area: spirituality or faith, which he believes is key for many of us to really feel nourished and engaged.

Misplaced concerns
After completing the questionnaire, people often discover that although they thought their issues lay in one area -- work, for example -- their disengagement really has its roots elsewhere, perhaps in a mismatched volunteer activity or material expectations.

Sue didn't fill out such a questionnaire. Her life assessment and ensuing transformation were brought about as she worked with a life coach. It made Sue think about how she was living her life. "I found out there was a lot more that I needed to deal with than getting fit," she says. "I realized I wasn't living, I was just doing," or zooming right past what Laurel Vespi, her life coach, called "moments of mindfulness" that can give meaning to even routine or mundane activities. 

Savour the mundane
Vespi asked Sue to start concentrating on living in the moment for several minutes, three times a day, and to be mindful even during routine tasks such as making meals. In doing so, Sue got a glimpse of what her life could become. One morning she focused not on the tedium of the bus ride to work but instead on absorbing the atmosphere around her. She inhaled the scent of a fellow passenger's exquisite perfume and felt the comforting warmth of the bus on the cool day. Suddenly, what was merely her mode of transport to work had become part of a day worth savouring. "You can find something to enjoy even in things you don't like," explains Sue.

Earle applies this philosophy in his own life. For instance, he will take advantage of a mundane errand to invite his wife to accompany him. The drive gives the couple time to talk alone with few distractions. Earle focuses on how much he is enjoying her company and the here-and-now, rather than on nagging problems at the office.

Self-assessment questionnaires help you to find such moments of fulfilment in your life, says Earle, adding that once an individual fills one out, he will ask her to identify feelings she wishes she had, such as peace of mind or a sense of accomplishment. Then he encourages the woman to picture herself completing activities that will lead to such feelings. These activities are usually small and imminently doable: making a phone call or sending her brother a birthday card. "You'd be amazed at how those actions add up to create a sense of greater nourishment," says Earle. With that feeling of competency under your belt, the next step is to determine the kinds of experiences or encounters that inspire your passions or make you feel good (what Earle calls "satisfiers") and seek them out.

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Sue, for example, still plays bridge with friends. But now, she no longer frets about everything on her plate. Instead she devotes herself entirely to the pleasure of the company at hand and the game itself. "I enjoy that time completely now, participate in it and don't spoil it by giving it half my energy," she explains.

Earle also encourages his clients to take time to nourish themselves with healthy lifestyle choices and physical and mental pursuits they enjoy without feeling guilty. Sue found that the half-hour to herself that her life coach prescribed each day was a struggle at first. How could she take that much time "off" when there were so many other tasks to take care of? She soon realized, though, that the rejuvenation and energy she gleaned from this personal time allowed her not only to be happier but also to give more to her husband and daughters.

The impact of these small steps has been significant. "I'm letting myself be me more, not what people think I should be. I feel like I've accomplished something," she says. In short, Sue has become engaged -- in a life that's now of her own choosing and creation.

Learn to live in the moment -- now
In a nutshell, mindfulness is learning to nonjudgmentally pay attention to the present moment, to what is happening within and around you and to your body and mind at any particular moment. It is a way of cultivating an awareness of your emotions without getting lost in the feelings themselves. Experts urge those who are just starting to practise mindfulness to be aware of the different sensations they are experiencing at the time without rationalizing or thinking about them.

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