House wars over housework

Your Comments

• Paul Beauregard wrote:

  Jul 03, 2007

  2009-09-22 10:48 AM

  I find this article quite funny... I cannot believe I'm looking at this article, but it's quite true. BUT for me, it's my girlfriend that's the problem. We both work, but she dont do anything around here. I'm stuck doing it all. You say the next generation of men might be perfect? Probably, because some woman are going the opposite direction.

• Raised By Women wrote:

  Jul 18, 2005

  2009-09-22 10:48 AM

  Marlene Orton's article 'House Wars Over Housework' could be valid in SOME cases but, the majority of my generation (I'm 40) WERE raised by women. We are products of the divorce revolution. Where women no longer had the ONLY option to marry, in order to achieve their own life. My parents seperated in the early 70's and I found myself in classrooms filled w. "latch-key-economic circumstance-kids". I made dinner, picked and dropped off my sister & brother to daycare and changed their diapers, while my mom worked and then did night school. I was 11 years old and also, had a pre-school and post school job washing floors and peeling potatoes for the local fish & chip shop. The resolve is not reprogramming men to pick up their dirty clothes, the resolve is to accept that maybe, just maybe now that women have their cake (job, money, house, kids), they want to eat it too by making us do everything. I've never seen my wife fix the furnace, install a dishwasher, paint the house, tile the floor, load a moving truck, fix the roof, fix the plumbing, mend the fence, work 15-20 hour days to make ends, say to me, "Just stay home with the kids & quit your job, I'll make sure we'll get by.", be the sole driver, deal with all the creditors so, I don't have to worry about why we're gonna pay for the all-inclusive trips to the Carribean. Maybe, just maybe...laundry isn't the issue. Maybe you need to remove the pea from underneath the mattress, so you'll get a good nights sleep, then wake up and realize, we may have thought we were your Prince but, we never thought you would turn into a Princess.

• Pam Tolmay wrote:

  Jun 27, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:48 AM

  As a clergy person for over 25 years I have to agree with you. I have counselled many women (Mainly) and couples and this has been the main reason for stress in relationships. I think because it epitomizes self centredness in the men and leaves the women feeling rage at the injustice of it all. It is also the symptom of many other issues such as lack of communication, intimacy(no time or energy left on the part of the women) etc. Most of the marriages which I have witnessed falling apart have done so because of this issue "the unfair distribution of labour" in the day to day running of a home.

• SHEP wrote:

  Jun 27, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:48 AM

  I'm a dad who DOES do a lot around the house. I do all the cooking, most of the cleaning and some of the laundry and work fulltime. My wife does the dishes and laundry mostly. I don't begrudge any of this, I'm happy to do housework and actually find it good exercise. When all is said and done we both feel that we do about 50/50 with respects to work and housework. I do want to say that this article is taken from a woman's perspective and I'll defend the bulk of the guys here and say that they typically do alot of stuff that women don't want to do that doesn't get accounted for. Lawn, garbage, electronics, fixing the car, work around the house (painting, molding, cleaning the gutters, etc...) Anyway, I thought the article was kinda biased in this respect and didn't talk to guys and get their perceptions and thoughts about all this. SHEP

• Pippa wrote:

  Jun 28, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:48 AM

  "I've never seen my wife fix the furnace, install a dishwasher, paint the house, tile the floor, load a moving truck, fix the roof, fix the plumbing, mend the fence, work 15-20 hour days to make ends" I have done ALL of these either by myself or side by side with my fiance. And I will continue to insist that he help with the laundry, dishes and housekeeping. That's a partnership!

• Lindsay wrote:

  Jun 27, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:48 AM

  this article is very insightful. i am 15 and some may think I am not old enought to even experience this yet but I see it often in my very own home. Who gives men the right to lounge around and do nothing when your wife is just as tired and stressed as you are. My dad is always saying that me and my 2 sisters should be helping out around the house more, as he sits on the couch and shoves chips in his mouth. I dont think men should be given such privilages if they are not willing to work for them.

• Stuart wrote:

  Jun 28, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:48 AM

  The emphasis in this article is "traditional" housework. What about the other things - vehicle maintenance, general home maintenance (e.g. building stuff), yardwork, shovelling snow, etc.? I believe that the equation presented here is unbalanced.

• Elizabeth wrote:

  Jun 27, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:49 AM

  No matter how many people seem to think men are "getting better" at being a true partner... 50/50 in all things (although I'm perfectly happy for part of his 50% to be getting the oil changed and other things I don't want to do -- but only part), we will never have true partnership until men learn to stop saying they "help" with the housework. A 5-year old "helps", a grown man and husband pulls his weight.

• Corinne wrote:

  Jun 27, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:49 AM

  now i know that we can't expect men to read our minds and that they are getting better, but my boyfirend is 21 and expects me to do everything in the house. i have asked him to help and he says that because he cuts the grass that i should do all of the housework. do you have pointers as to how i can break him of his "i'm the man and house work is for you"? thank you for you time Corinne

• C.D. wrote:

  Jun 28, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:49 AM

  27 Jun 06 Just wanted to say that as a young boy, I had to learn to cook, clean, sew, and iron as well as do laundry. This was due to being in a single family setting. I also learned in the 1960's & 1970's that there were males learning to be self sufficient so they could take care of themselves while they were still bachelors. It also taught them that by being self sufficient, they would not need to be catered to or be controlled by anyone. You can also learn that in the military service, especially infantry soldiers. I'm also a former soldier. Now I would be the first to agree that there are a lot of males that don't do their part of the house duties due to either not learning how from home or the service or just plain lazy slobs; regardless of weight. What picks my bones is when I hear of housewives complaining when husbands are doing their share of the housework or a little more to allow their wives to sit down and relax. One main complaint is that the husbands are taking away their jobs or the jobs are not being done correctly along with the insults that go with it. That is especially from the wives who seem they have to do it all. Eventually the husband feels that he is too stupid to do anything and throws his hands up in the air and lets the mrs. do it all. The funny thing the wives wonder why they can't get their men to do anything any more. I know exactly what I'm talking about, I've experienced that myself. I never really cared who did what and in what way, as long as the job got done and I could enjoy my children. I even got crapped on for ironing the cloth diapers(military habit). So now I'm looking forward to my complete independence along with peace and quiet. As doing things, I'll help out others who appreciate the effort without insults and belittling. Regards: C.D.

• James wrote:

  Jun 27, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:49 AM

  I just happened to be surfing the net in my free time and came across your article. First, I object to the statement "...they should be able to read our minds (and empty that dishwasher)...". Why should any man have to read any woman's mind? Not one of us, man or woman, is a mind-reader. My point is simply that any one person should be able to communicate effectively with another in any situation. If a woman expects her male partner, her so-called equal, to be able to read her mind, then she is in for a long and frustrating wait. Second, why do you feel it necessary to teach (i.e. train) your sons to help with household chores. Is it so your daughters can sit back and do nothing? Do you want them to grow up with the idea that men are their houskeepers and servants? I think not. Besides, there are just as many lazy girls as boys, perhaps more according to the parents I know. Both boys and girls should be taught how to cook, sew and do general houswork. Thank God the schools where I live give that kind of instruction because the parents surely do not. There are many men who do their share of the housework. Most of my friends and I are only too happy to help out, and we don't feel forced to do so. In fact, many of us do those jobs better and more efficiently than our partners! In our society, where both partners work, it is only right and fair that each of them do his or her share around the house. In our house, we are equals. Each of us has our talents for working in the house and we each do what we are good at, and we share the rest. It works for us!

• jessie wrote:

  Jun 28, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:49 AM

  This is the biggest pet peeve about my partner. Laziness! Im a full time university student during the school term and work easily 30 hours a week on top of that to afford it. During the summer i work 49 hours a week, and still am expected to be my husband's "housewife / maid" according to his mother and him. His mother stayed at home when he grew up so he is accustomed to service 24/7 however it interferes extremely with our relationship. If I was a stay at home mom and didn't work outside the home i could deal with it. I was raised to be independent and taught (by both parents) that i cannot rely on men for help, and they were right! The other down side in my marriage is that my husband is not handy at all, or is at least too lazy to help me do anything! I fix the cars, paint the house, built the sheds, do the landscaping...things that would be considered the "man's work" around the house. So to comment on the earlier response (by a guy) where the man did those things the wife should be happy, I say that is bogus!! This is one more marriage that will end soon if the work load doesn't become more balanced. Too many women out there are tired of the lazy guy who comes home (or stays home) and props himself in front of the TV.

• rick wrote:

  Jun 27, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:50 AM

  stress? wow, you tell me? been married 18 yrs, just turned 43, two young teenage kids, (boy,girl) I work the midnight shift,have another fly by night job on the side, wife also works(days) I cook and do the dishes, take out the garbage, take the kids to school, pick them up, pay for all the big expenses, (furniture, appliances, furnace, central air, new roof, doors and windows, gazebo, pool, fence, driveway, new sinks, toiilets, bathtub, I've been called a free loader by my wife, she wants me to buy something big,dah!! she pays only the ultility bills and some groceries, if I tend to grab a little grub she insists it's either hers or the kids', stress? wow you tell me!!

• Hannah wrote:

  Jun 27, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:50 AM

  My new husband (less than a year) is great around the house BUT he believes in the adage "If one cooks, the other cleans up". I HATE that. He is always home from work first, and therefore cooks dinner. I am the one who has to clean up his gross mess (esp. pasta!). I am tired of cleaning up all the time, and yet it is practical for him to cook dinner as we are both out early in the evening esp. in summer for golf or tennis. Help!

• JD Brown wrote:

  Jun 28, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:50 AM

  I read the letters from readers with interest. I think the best thing that couples can do is sit down together and decide where their skills lie. My husband is an incredible cook, but is grossed out at the thought of cleaning the bathroom. So we worked out where our skills are best suited and while I may do the brunt of the cleaning, yard work and interior designing of the house (i.e painting walls), he is responsible for preparing the food, doing the electrical work and woodword around the house. We always joke that his job is behind the scenes (or behind the walls) and my job is to make what he does look good!! Yes, his jobs may not be day-to-day, but he helps me put things away and tidy up after our pets, and that makes my cleaning jobs so much easier. We both work hard at our jobs and we both take pride in our home. We share the work around the house, playing to our strengths, and we support each other regarding the other work that we do. I think people have to stop thinking about "women's work" and "men's work" and think of it as "doing what we do best" and split the work that way. If you support each other then neither person feels like they are doing the lion's share of the work.

• Kerri wrote:

  Jun 27, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:50 AM

  I doubt that there will ever be a 50/50 relationship the way that "women" want it. Men and women generally think differently and our visions of what 50/50 is will therefore be different. I think you have to communicate with your partner that's for sure. I have read a lot of these articles where there seems to be a lot of angry and bitter men taking offense to this. Maybe the truth hurts a little. The problem isn't necessarily that women are expecting men to read their minds. If a "wife" says, honey, can you please empty the dishwasher" she has therefore communicated. The "rage" comes into play when 20 minutes later she walks into the kitchen and it's still not done. If men don't want to be treated and talked about like teenagers then maybe they should step up to the plate. There is no excuse for something like that.

• Zoe wrote:

  Jun 27, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:50 AM

  I cannot say that I am in complete agreement with the article "House wars over housework". Sure, there are some relationships / marriages in which the major housework burden falls on the woman. But in all cases? No. Not even in general. It's altogether too easy for us girls to say "I do the dishes, he never helps me with the laundry, I'm lucky if he wipes the counter off after having made a mess on it!" And sure, a better division of the housework may be in order in many cases, especially where kids are involved. But I'd be willing to bet that it's often the man's work to fix appliances, wash the car, mow the lawn, take out the trash, fix the roof, unload packages, etc etc. I mean, let's face it, there ARE gender roles and it's pretty impossible to escape them. Take my grandparents, for example, both 60-something. My grandmother cooks, cleans the house, does the laundry... But my grandfather washes the car, keeps the garage tidy, mows the lawn, carries heavy stuff around, runs all sorts of commissions. It's really a matter of seeing who is spending the most time "relaxing" or doing nothing while the other is working. But, if you're doing the dishes while he's washing the car, there is no need to get upset. Share the burden.

• Dave Rauhut wrote:

  Jun 27, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:51 AM

  I do think what is said in this article is quite valid. These same issues almost ended my marriage and the entire thing was deemed as MY fault. I am also in agreement to the one feedback about women rarely (if ever) doing the "blue" jobs, painting, fixing etc. The main problem is the lack of communication about who does what and if one partner is over burdened with work they need to let the other one know before they are stressed and bitter. We all read these signs and when ordered or whined into helping causes resentment, sometimes long lasting and increasing in anger that it is enough to cause a marrige to crumble. Reading minds is certainly not the answer but communication is. Too many people it seems just want to hang the blame on their partner when in reality, both shoulder the blame.

• Tim wrote:

  Jun 27, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:51 AM

  What about the responsibilities the man is left with. Maintaining two vehicles. Cutting the grass. Shovelling the snow. Maintaining the house. I come home every day and work another 2-3-4 hours at home.

• Crystal wrote:

  Jun 28, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:51 AM

  I'm only 23 and have been married for four years. For the first 3 1/2 years of our marriage my husband did almost no work around the house to help me out. For 2 of those years i was pregnant and he worked full time so he thought it was normal for him to lay around the house while i did everything. But finally about 4 months ago he started helping me out, and that was only because his lazyness was driving me crazy and i was about to leave him. That finally opened his eyes and made him see that i was more than a maid and mother. But no matter how much i asked him for help he would always tell me that it wasn't his job, it pissed me off so much. I bet if this other guy hadn't come along he would still be doing nothing for me. Why do men have to be such a pain in the ass?

• Diana wrote:

  Jun 27, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:51 AM

  I am a woman in my early thirties. Supposedly, most of the women and men in my generation were raised with the notion of "equality." What women of my generation were actually raised to do was learn to do it all - a job, the housework, the bills, and as the gentleman who commented on this article put it, also "drive the car," "deal with creditors," and "fix the plumbing." I don't know what planet he's living on, but it isn't mine. Nor is it the reality of ANY other woman I know. All of my female friends my age deal with the same thing - we do it, and then we have to ask the men in our lives if they will "mind helping us." I have friends with husbands who live their lives as though they are single mothers, no exaggeration necessary. The women of my generation find conflict within and outside of themselves, as we struggle with what the entire outside world tells us is supposed to be happening; equality, and the reality of what is happening inside the home and our relationships. We not only feel overworked, we feel conflicted; as though we are inadequate warriors in the ONGOING movement for equal rights. It will take more than a mere thirty or forty years to undo THOUSANDS of years of oppression. Realistically, WE ARE JUST BEGINNING, and it never fails to suprise me that most people miss that simple fact. Finding that balance will take an undoing of traditional roles and stereotypes placed NOT JUST upon women, but upon MEN AS WELL. We need to let go of our old fashioned notions of gender and identity. The faster we allow each other to be who we TRULY are, without masks, ridiculous perceptions of "feminine" and "masculine," media driven frenzies of "who we should mimic in order to be a real person," we will get down to what really matters. What do we do to become equals? We look inside of ourselves first. Stop imitating an imitation. Stop trying to pander to society and to the people around us. Start living. Start finding our inner voice and our joy.

• Unimpressed wrote:

  Jun 27, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:51 AM

  In response to "Raised By Women" comments. First of all it takes some guts to say that NOW women have their cake and want to eat it too by making men do everything. My daughter is only 4 and even she won't ever see that day. I think that men have been eating their cake for way too long. Secondly, chores like washing dishes, making beds, cooking dinner, doing laundry, cleaning the house, paying the bills, not to mention the chores involving the kids are things that must be done everyday. How often does the furnace need fixing or the house painted? If everyday then you're in trouble. Finally, just as I don't assume ALL men never help out please note that some women do help out with the items you list. I cut the grass, clean the BBQ, install stuff, loaded a moving van and both my husband and I reshingled our garage roof. I also work 8 hours a day. All of us grew up as daddy's princess, we would just like some help with the castle!

• Jean Weaver wrote:

  May 22, 2007

  2009-09-22 10:52 AM

  Communication is the key here, not ranting and raving about roles. Its hard to break the "roles" of men and women if we don't talk to each other. Women nor men have made as much head way in gender roles as they think. I'm in my mid-fifties and still surprised that in this day and age how the fifties roles are in play here. Women are expected to still to do all the domestic work, work outside the home, raise the kids and men's roles haven't changed either for a lot of people. We all really have to stop living a fairy tale here. Breaking out of these assumptions take work and thought. I've been a housewife for the last 10 years. We were on the treadmill, dual income, kids and seem to on the go and the housework suffered (more important to spend time with the kids) even with 2 of us doing it. My husband was always willing to do his share, after all it was his "home" too. Our experience has been that our life is less stressful when one of you can stay home to do most of the "drudge work". I know this is not possible for most families, it takes 2 to just makes ends meet for some. Its choosing what is most important to you, compromising and constant communication to change.

• lollypopj wrote:

  Jun 27, 2006

  2009-11-18 3:00 PM

  after 35 years, I'll tell you what works for us..we never fail to praise each other for effort, as in "Thank you for taking the garbage out, or "thanks for going to work when u weren't feeling well." many of the jobs I like, he doesn't, but it ALL gets done in the end..

• barbara walker wrote:

  Jun 27, 2006

  2009-11-18 3:00 PM

  I live with my husband and a male roomate. I recently started a job after being laid off for five months. I work afternoons and they are both unemployed. I have asked for help and it just starts a big argument. We have 4 dogs and 4 cats. The place has not been vacummed or the floors washed since i started work. I am to the point where I want to either quit my job or move out. I am a very clean person and it is hard to do when they are both here. They tell me, oh don't worry about the house. Please advise.

• steve wrote:

  Jun 28, 2006

  2009-11-18 3:00 PM

  If the next generation of men might be perfect, how long will it take for a generation of women to be perfect? The author (Marlene Orton) seems to think they are perfect now....I have some news for her!

• dom wrote:

  Sep 17, 2008

  2009-11-18 3:00 PM

  solutions? Here's a few: 1) dishes. Eat out. With your own money. Even breakfast. Or make food and take it elsewhere (like in a plastic container) and wash it elsewhere. That way none of the dishes are yours so you shouldn't have to touch them. Make him cook his own stuff. Disengage totally. 2) Lock up *your* dishes and utensils in the cupboard (keep a separate set) and make sure to keep the key with you at all times. Throw out dishes in the sink that are not washed. He'll learn. 3) If you have enough rooms in your house, keep one to yourself as an office with a tv, computer, stereo, mini-fridge, bucket for a sink, etc., and keep it clean - and lock it. Keep a bed in there too in case your room is too dirty. It may sound like a separation, but it's perhaps less stressful.

• Lisha wrote:

  Jun 27, 2006

  2009-11-18 3:00 PM

  The younger generation of men are, as far as I'm concerned, great. My boyfriend will be the primary parent if we decide to have kids, I'm going to school to be a lawyer and he's going to school to be an English teacher. He's simply going to have more time to be with them, but that doesn't mean that I come home expecting dinner, or that I can plunk down on the couch because my actual work day has been longer; he and I discussed that being parents is a full time job all by itself, and just because he gets off work earlier doesn't mean he stops working when he gets home. We recognize that we'll have to work hard constantly, whether in the home or not, to make things run smooth. He cleans up without me asking, we divide chores without issue, and he knows that taking a break once in a while is important and we budget our time accordingly to allow for those little islands. He's hard working, he's dedicated, and above all he's my equal and my other half. I appreciate all he does, and we play to our strengths. Sure he does all the macho stuff around the house, but that doesn't stop me from helping him, and it certainly doesn't stop him from helping me with the rest of it. People don't understand that things aren't always going to be split right down the middle, and they don't take the time to think about what the other person actually does. I think it's simply a matter of keeping the big picture in mind and communication. When the scale starts tipping too much one way, you say something and if the person really cares and is a good match for you then it'll work out. The new generation is awesome, and we're more content and easygoing about this sort of stuff than ever before. You both benefit when everything's getting done, and when you finally do get a break it's never guilt ridden and nobody's left steaming in the kitchen.

• i agree with the article wrote:

  Jun 28, 2006

  2009-11-18 3:01 PM

  True, we too had our issues because he wouldn't help clean. He didn't think-- though I had to--he just didn't see it as a priority--so I was cleaning and mad that he "made" me. He didn't see it as "make" because he didn't care if it got clean--arghhh... So instead of breaking up or worse...we got a housekeeping service & just cut back in other areas to keep the service--it does help some, not all--but some!

• karen wrote:

  Jun 28, 2006

  2009-11-18 3:01 PM

  feedback on who does the majorty of housework> i know of a few families where the man does everything including the outside work plus looking after the children plus work full time. the wife also works but is out with her friends or the excuse i work hard and the husband and children are left to fend for themselves. My point is it is always articles about the poor woman and a lot of women are taking advantage of it. articles should be for both sexes cause there are a lot of men out there that are good and considerate and do their share.

• Juanita Wilson wrote:

  Jun 27, 2006

  2009-11-18 3:02 PM

  Men do not need training. What women need to learn to do is to learn to ask for what we need. I was in a 20 year marriage. my life with my husband started at the age of 18. I WANTED to cook and clean and have the white picket fence with the kids, dog and a career. I wanted to be the perfect woman according to the picture my society had painted for me in my mind. What I was not taught from my working mother was that this is almost an impossible feat to accomplish and that to be successful, delegation is necessary. My mother did the best that she could with the amount of resources and time available. Sadly my marriage ended but I can say we are still good friends. I think that part of our issue was that I did not learn to ask of him what I needed. This included domestic help among other things! He did take out the trash and fix the car etc all of the perceived male jobs. But given that I also had a career, the domestic and family chores most time out-weighed the "male chores" in time and effort. I respect a stay at home person. I enjoy my career and working outside of my home, I feel that I am able to teach my daughter things based on my career experience that she would not gain anywhere else. Please understand that I also suffer from mommy guilt that I do not have the time to volunteer to help take my daughter's class to the museum. I am working. I am certain that by staying at home my daughter would gain other things that my time constraints do not allow. This is the life that I have chosen for myself, my family. It's not perfect but that's okay and that's also my point. We do not need to be perfect. Men are not the bad guys. We as women need to create for ourselves a realistic expectation of what is personal success and HOW do we get it? What I learned is this. Ask for what I need. Stop attempting to be super woman! Let's stop putting pressure on ourselves.