4 social smarts

Wouldn't you like to know what people think about you? Upon first meeting people, you can do or say things that can either make your new acquaintances warm up to you, or turn them off. The following excerpt from First Impressions: What You Don't Know About How Others See You (Bantam Books, 2004) can help you to sharpen your social skills and master the art of interaction.

The four universal social gifts
While people vary in what they desire and need from others, there are some important social gifts that are universal. They are: appreciation, connection, elevation, and enlightenment. If you know which you are giving or not giving, you'll have a good idea of the impression you make.

Appreciation
Everyone likes to feel appreciated and affirmed. You show appreciation when you let someone know that you understand and respect her for her positive qualities. For example, if you tell someone directly or indirectly that she is talented, funny, smart, or attractive, she will feel proud about that quality in herself and good about herself in general.

Connection
Connection is about finding where you intersect with someone. It can be a mutual friend, common interests, or similar experiences. It can be as simple as pointing out where you have the same attitude or feeling about something, as in "I feel the same way," or "I loved that movie too." In essence it's saying "I'm like you." People like it because it makes them feel understood and provides them with a sense of belonging.

Elevation
People naturally like to be in good spirits, to laugh, and feel uplifted — and are drawn to those who make them feel that way. You don't have to be a comedian. You can elevate others' moods in many ways, such as by smiling, being in the moment, acting playful or entertaining, and directing your attention to the positive and humorous elements in the situation.

Enlightenment
We're all curious. We like to learn something new — interesting facts, ideas and perspectives, current events, even trivia. Bearing the gift of enlightenment makes you stimulating and appealing to be around. It doesn't have to be about some heady book you read or international politics — it can be about the curious thing you noticed on the way to work, the movie you just saw, or an article you read in a magazine.

That's all there is to it. You can make others feel good after interacting with you if you appreciate them for who they are, connect to them, elevate their mood, and stimulate them with new ideas and perspectives. And these social gifts transcend situations. It's true that specific situations have different expected benefits. What is appropriate on a first date may be different from what is appropriate in a business meeting. But it's a matter of proportion. In a romantic one-on-one interaction, you may desire, and wish to fulfill, feelings of appreciation and connection. You may also like to have fun and be informed about the other's ideas. In a business interaction, on the other hand, information plays a bigger role, but the other benefits are still important. A customer who appreciates you and makes you laugh is certainly appealing.

The importance of balance
A healthy balance of the four social gifts is charismatic. On the other hand, an imbalance can be off-putting.

People have personal preferences, of course, for what they seek out from others. For example, some may really like to be entertained and seek out those that make them laugh, and not care that much about feeling connected to people. Others may especially enjoy feeling understood and love talking with people who make them feel that way, and not care much about being enlightened. However, you usually don't know this about people you meet for the first time. So balance is good strategy.

What do you give?

So what social gifts do you give? Maybe you never thought of yourself as giving or denying something in a first impression. But you do. Do you satisfy others' desires for the things that they, like you, desire in a social interaction? Do you deny others the opportunity to satisfy some desires? Do you offer a balance of the four social gifts?

We recognize that most of us have a "strong suit." Maybe you have a quick wit and are highly entertaining. Or perhaps you are well informed and like to tell others about current events and your opinions. But maybe you have some weak suits as well. You may not be aware of the feelings and social gifts that you fail to give to others or of any emotional costs you may incur. Would you like to give not only your strengths, but also the other desirable social benefits? Knowing what you want to give can help you understand if there are any gaps between what you would like to project and how others actually see you. Of course, you may elect not to offer all these gifts; it may not be your style. But it's helpful to be aware of what you do and don't give to others. If you know how others feel when they interact with you, you'll have a better sense of how they perceive you.

Self-check:
What benefits do I provide to others? Do I have a strong suit? Of all the social benefits — appreciation, connection, elevation, and enlightenment — which am I strongest in? How would others describe how they feel after a conversation with me? Are there any gifts that I tend not to give to others?

...More. Find out how your body language can affect your social skills. Click on page 2 below.

Excerpted from First Impressions: What You Don't Know About How Others See You by Ann Deamarais, Ph.D., and Valerie White, Ph.D. copyright 2004 by Bantam Books. Excerpted, with permission by Bantam Books. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

Most like it hot
People who come across as warm are typically viewed as less threatening than their aloof or cold counterparts. But what does it mean to be "warm"?

To understand the elements of body language that send these “temperature" messages, researchers videotaped participants as they engaged in a five-minute conversation with someone. They asked each participant to rate how warm or cold they thought they came across, Then they showed a silent videotape of the interaction to others, "the observers," and asked them to rate the conversationalists in the same way.

For observers, the body language that indicated warmth was showing physical attention, smiling, and nodding. The body language that indicated coldness was not attending to others, not smiling, and extending their leg (while seated).

Interestingly, the people being rated didn't see these behaviors as indicating coldness in themselves. They had no idea that they were seen that way.

So, you may want to pay attention to your temperature signals. Others may judge you as cold, even though you don't feel that way, or intend to send that message. And then people may respond to you negatively, while you remain what the researchers call "unpleasantly mystified" by these reactions.

The spotlight illusion
When among strangers, we may at times overestimate the impact of the details of our appearance. Because we know ourselves so well, we might feel self-conscious about slight differences in how we look. We might feel unattractive because our hair is a bit flat or we are wearing the wrong shoes, and think others are focused on these "flaws" too. But are we correct in our estimates of how others view us? The answer is: probably not.

Researchers have looked at whether people accurately assess the extent to which others take note of details of their appearance. In one study, participants were asked to wear T-shirts with images that they felt proud of or embarrassed by (such as a picture of Barry Manilow), and then walk into a roomful of strangers. They were then asked to estimate the percentage of people who would remember the image on their T-shirt after they left the room. The results showed that the participants consistently overestimated the number of people who recalled their T-shirt image.

In other words, people assume that the details of their appearance are more memorable and remarkable to others than they actually are. The researchers concluded, "People tend to believe that the social spotlight shines more brightly on them than it really does."

Your body and your status
People communicate their status to others through their body language. If someone feels himself to be in a superior position to others, he will probably display different body language than if he feels inferior.

Psychologists studied this phenomenon by assigning unacquainted participants to be "teacher" or "student" and then observed their behavior. Those in the higher-status role of teacher took up more space with their bodies, talked more, tried to interrupt more, and touched and pointed more than did their lower-status conversational partner. When the roles were reversed, and the teacher became the student to the same person, their body-language patterns changed to reflect their new status.

So, you may be showing others how you feel about yourself, and how you feel about them, just by the way you move and use space.

Excerpted from First Impressions: What You Don't Know About How Others See You by Ann Deamarais, Ph.D., and Valerie White, Ph.D. copyright 2004 by Bantam Books. Excerpted, with permission by Bantam Books. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.