Building blocks
How can you create healthy, satisfying relationships with friends, family and your mate? Here are the top five rules for all good relationships:
1. Develop good boundaries
Your boundary is an invisible line that separates you from other people. Imagine your boundary as a wall with holes in it. Your boundary needs to be solid enough that people can't treat you badly, but porous enough that you can let people get close to you.
Having a solid boundary means that you feel free to say "no” and to express your preferences and opinions clearly. If you can't do this you'll feel resentful, burnt out, underappreciated or controlled by others. If you feel this way in your relationships, practise being more assertive and firm.
Having an open boundary means that you have the ability to be connected to people in your life. If you have difficulty with this you'll feel lonely, isolated, or distant from those closest to you. If you experience these feelings, try opening up and sharing more of yourself in relationships.
Good boundaries are absolutely essential to healthy relationships. If you struggle with this, see a good relationship-oriented therapist. It's that important.
2. Take initiative
You get out what you put in a relationship. Do you want to have a good friend? Be a good friend. Do you want to be closer to someone? Then get closer. Pick up the phone. Extend an invitation.
Do you want more support with a problem? Reach out and ask for help. Want to be noticed by your boss more? Do something high-profile or promote yourself more effectively.
3. Work on yourself and your relationships will improve
Take stock of what you might subconsciously be projecting that leads others to respond to you in certain ways. Do you suffer from high anxiety? You may be making the people around you feel stressed. Do you have a lot of anger? You may be pushing people away by being prickly. Do you feel taken advantage of in your relationships? Maybe deep down you don't feel entitled to have more.
Our relationships are a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. Work through your own emotional issues and your relationships will change.
4. Strive for productive conflict and repair
At times you are going to be angry with others. Don't suppress your anger and don't blow up with it either. Instead, speak up in a calm, respectful way about what you need or want to be different. Know how and when to apologize.
5. Warmth, curiosity and respect
These are the top three qualities that will attract others to you. Always treat others with respect. Don't be dismissive, use sarcasm or demean people. Be warm. Smile. Be kind. And, finally, take a natural interest in the lives and experiences of others. Treat others as special and show that you care.
It's easy to focus on what others are doing to frustrate you. Instead, shift your focus onto what you can do to improve your closest relationships.
