5 worst post-breakup behaviours

We've all gone through it: you meet someone, sparks fly and after much jubilation and intimate moments, the spark fizzles. No matter if it was a long- or short-term affair, it hurts when you or your lover makes the decision to say goodbye. Even though the world looks bleak now, dealing with post-breakup blues is an opportune time to nurture yourself while becoming a stronger, more confident you.

Oh yeah, and don't forget to laugh! Humour happens to be one of the best ways to get over that certain someone.

Learn to love yourself…no, really!
Yes, "love yourself before you love another" does sound like a tired cliché, but when you're facing your fifth breakup in a year, it's best to assess what's keeping you from enduring a long-term partnership. "We always expect someone else to nurture us," says Luke De Sadeleer, author of Vitamin C for couples: Seven "C's" for a Healthy Relationship (Creative Bound Inc., 2000). "You have to learn how to love yourself before re-entering a relationship." Begin this process by asking yourself if you can be happy when you are alone.

If being alone scares you, you will probably have a hard time finding happiness with someone because you are depending on that person to nurture you. "Learn the skills needed to nurture you," De Sadeleer says. "Ask yourself: 'How do I nurture others?' and apply that to yourself."

After recognizing that the love you give yourself is just as important as the love you give others, it's time to acknowledge those feelings of rage and revenge. Yes, if you've been unceremoniously dumped, there are coping mechanisms that curtail any need for a voodoo doll that resembles your ex.

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Five post-breakup behaviours to avoid
Laurie Frankel, author of the It's Not Me…It's You! A Modern Girl's Guide to Breaking Up (Sourcebooks Hysteria, 2004) offers these five post-breakup tips.

1. Do not initiate or respond to any contact with your ex
Frankel says "Once you've had your 12 ending e-mails and five final phone discussions…guess what? You're done. Give hope an inch and you'll be back in bed with your ex in no time…great in the moment, lousy the moment after."

2. Don't prolong cynical thoughts
Emotions like anger, sadness and blame are unavoidable but consistently asking yourself why the relationship soured will not give you peace or courage to get on with your single life. "Be good to yourself," says Frankel. "When a negative thought cycle begins, notice it, acknowledge it — then end it. Call a friend (for support)."

3. Get rid of objects that remind you of your ex
That pillow case that smells like his hair; those photographs of your trip to Niagara Falls — get rid of them. "We humans endow things with meaning and the longer those meaningful things are around, the longer you will take to heal and move on," says Frankel. "Every time you come across an item...it picks at the wound."

4. Refrain from stalking
If monitoring his every move has become your favourite pastime, you need to put down the binoculars and force some distance between you and your ex. "If you still have mutual friends, resist grilling them for an update. Third-party information just sets the healing clock back to zero," says Frankel.

5. Don't jump into another relationship too soon
"Give yourself some time to attend to your wounds and reorient yourself," says Frankel. Seeking comfort in the arms of another soon after a breakup is not fair to both parties as emotions are running high and you both may have different agendas as to how serious things could get.

If revenge seems irresistible, Frankel warns that it's just a hostile feeling and not reality. Expel those negative vibes by talking to a trusted friend or therapist and hit the gym for a stress-busting workout. Remember: you are not in this alone — you are surrounded by friends and family who have, at one time or another, experienced the same situation and can offer a shoulder of support.