8 steps to a satisfying sex life

We've all heard claims that the passion and fire of the first years of a relationship are difficult to sustain over time. Are couples in long-term relationships doomed to settle into complacent and mild sex?

No, says Dr. Ian Kerner, sex therapist and author of several relationship-based books like She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman and Sex Recharge. "In fact, retirees are some of the happiest, most sexually satisfied people I have worked with because they often have less stress in their lives; they have more time to dedicate to themselves and to their relationship, to their health and to their sex lives."

What are the benefits of regular sex?
"Sexual health is a barometer of overall health," says Dr. Ian Kerner. "So if you have a healthy sex drive and a healthy, satisfying sex life, it's a great indicator that other parts of your life are also satisfying." While Kerner contends sex is not 100 per cent of any relationship, sexuality and the expression of sexuality is a key part of your identity. "Sexual attraction and a sexual bond is often what brings people together in the first place — it helps cement a relationship — and I think, generally, when couples aren't having sex they become vulnerable to other negative factors like anger, detachment, and infidelity."

Who's at risk for a boring sex life?
So, if it's as Dr. Kerner says — and racking up the years in a relationship doesn't coincide with racheting down the sexual interest — what puts couples at risk for boredom in the bedroom?

You might be surprised to discover that, often, the factors that put people at risk for infrequent or unsatisfying sex happen outside the bedroom. "Stress, worry, little resentments that often grow in a relationship, complacency, not caring if you're attractive to your partner any more," says Kerner.

And the element of surprise can fuel a satisfying sex life. "Often, routine is a sex killer; sexual attraction thrives on the opposite — spontaneity, mystery, unpredictability," explains Kerner. "As our lives become more routine, it becomes harder to cultivate that sense of unpredictability."

Harder, yes. Impossible? No.

Click here to learn how you can spice up your sex life...

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8 tips for a satisfying sex life
What can you do to inject a sense of fun and adventure back into your bedroom play? Start your seduction at the top.

"The brain is the most powerful sex organ," says Kerner. "It's a question of stimulating the mind through all cycles of your relationship."

1. Take inventory of yourself and your self esteem
Doing something that makes you feel better about how you look can shoot up your self esteem and that can be a powerful aphrodisiac. Maybe it's losing weight or exercising, but maybe it's as simple as getting a new outfit or taking a spa day. A couple's massage might be the ticket.

2. Nurture your relationship outside of the bedroom
"What can you do with your partner to bring some freshness into your relationship?" asks Kerner. "If you haven't had a date night in months, it may be time to start having one. If you do have a date night, but it's always the same restaurant, vary it."

3. Share interests
Your relationship may have started over a shared love of wine or movies. Perhaps your interests changed or you outgrew your original pursuits, but have you replaced those interests with other shared activities in your relationship?

"Novelty and newness — and I'm not talking about sexual novelty — is key to attraction because it stimulates dopamine transmission in the brain, which plays a big role in excitement," says Kerner.

4. Prioritize your sex time
Don't just go through the moves in the bedroom. Rather than collapsing into bed at the end of a long day and allowing 15 minutes before your favourite sitcom airs, think about what you can do to create a more intimate environment.

5. Spice it up
Do you share fantasies with your partner?

"I sometimes tell women who are a bit uncomfortable being sexually assertive about their passions and desires, to tell their partner that they had a sexy dream about him." Kerner guarantees their partner will want to know the details of the ‘dream'. "That's a chance to get a little playful and insert a fantasy without feeling that you're going to be judged for it."

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6. Remember that your bedroom can be so much more than just a place to sleep
Kerner suggests turning your bedroom into a love nest. "Sex is very sensory. Appeal to all the senses — sight, taste, smell, sound."

Maybe that means buying satin sheets, burning candles or incense, or putting on some mood music.

7. Sex toys are your friends
And your partner's friends, too. If your significant other hates shopping, chances are he or she will be happy to make this particular trip with you. Nervous about venturing into the neighbourhood adults-only boutique? Shop online.

8. Do your research
How familiar are you with your partner's anatomy? How familiar is he — or she — with yours? Could the source of your bedroom boredom be a lack of knowledge about his or her interesting bits? Let your fingers do the walking; to find out more, visit the Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada and play Sex-Fu.

A satisfying sex life can thrive in a long-term relationship
While it may be true that novelty wanes as familiarity increases over the years, Kerner asserts that many other wonderful aspects come into play in place of the new-love novelty: "Security, comfort, knowing each other's bodies and minds, having a degree of comfort in terms of being able to express what turns you on (or off), not feeling a sense of abashment around fantasies."

YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE:
-Great sex at midlife and beyond
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-5 relationship-enhancing tips

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