Close friends only, don't be a perfectionist
1. Be prepared
Publisher Sarah MacLachlan decorates her house the second week in December. Michelle Josephson, a decorator, bakes shortbread and freezes it weeks in advance to bring as hostess gifts and serve at her own parties. It may sound simple, but taking the time in advance will make you a more relaxed hostess so you can concentrate on what is really important: setting the right tone and enjoying the company in your home.
2. Vet the invite list
Dowsling believes in limiting your guest list to friends and family you enjoy rather than those you feel obligated to include in the festivities. "Christmas, in particular, has become this highly materialistic consumer event. We spend too much and eat and drink too much when the holiday spirit should simply be about sharing good times with good people," she says. To avoid a Third World War over not inviting your second cousin Marvin on the big day, try initiating several smaller gatherings before, or even after, the holiday season.
3. Give up on perfect
Sure, throwing holiday parties is fun. You get to plan the menu, fuss over the decor and play hostess-with-the-mostest in your lovely home. But going over-the-top at holiday time will only leave you so exhausted and resentful you'll be spoiling for a fight. Just ask Kate Larkin, a mother of three. "This past Christmas, I wanted to do it all," says Kate, who thought it would be a brilliant idea to host four generations of her entire extended family — on both sides — in her new house from Christmas right through New Year's. "Every night I was serving up these beautiful dinners for an army. By Day 6, I realized that I was spending my entire holiday in the kitchen. I was filled with these visions of Martha Stewart, but ended up a crabby exhausted wreck."
Michelle can relate. With two children from a previous marriage, as well as her husband's two kids, the holidays are not only complicated but also a lot of work. Everyone on both sides stays at her house over the holidays, during which the couple also hosts friends and family for Christmas breakfasts and holiday lunches as well as an elaborate Christmas dinner for up to 24 people. "It's stressful because I am a perfectionist," admits Michelle. "The tree has to be perfect, the house has to look just right and my husband's a foodie, so the dinner has to be fantastic, too."
What's the solution? Go easy on yourself. Nobody's handing out gold ribbons for the perfect feast or best-decorated home. But for most of us, this is easier said than done. "As women, we often feel we have to do it all ourselves," says Lindsay Sukornyk, a life coach at North Star Coaches in Toronto. If you're having trouble letting go, just keep in mind that constantly striving to be the ideal hostess will only annoy your guests.
"We put so much pressure on ourselves to have everything perfect, but most guests hate being made to feel that their hostess has gone to a ridiculous amount of work," says Karen Mallett from an etiquette firm in Winnipeg. "I don't want to hear that she knit the frill under the turkey."
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