Ask for help, be authentic, have fun
4. Share the load
"Nobody said that you have to be a domestic goddess, so don't be afraid to accept somebody's offer of help or to stay in a hotel," says Sukornyk. "When people ask if they can bring something, say yes," adds Mallett. The same goes for cleanup. Your guests will feel useful, and you can use the offer of assistance as an opportunity to connect. For instance, ask for help with the dishes if you haven't had a chance to chat with your little brother. When it isn't on boil, the kitchen can be the best place to share a few much-needed laughs.
5. Be yourself
When Cynthia Ravindran, who grew up Protestant, first entertained her Hindu in-laws for the Christmas holidays, she tried to score bonus points by making an authentic Indian dinner. "I was so naive I actually thought that I could make chapatis (an Indian bread) from scratch all by myself, which is ridiculous, because making them is like an art," says Cynthia. "I can remember my in-laws looking sort of funny, until someone finally blurted out loud that they tasted like sandpaper."
What Cynthia learned is that trying too hard to fit in with your spouse's family traditions — particularly when they are entirely different from your own — just leaves you with egg, or in this case, chapati, on your face. By the same token, if you are not a cook, even in your own ethnic tradition, the holidays aren't the best time to channel your inner Julia Child. "You have to be comfortable just being yourself," says Mallett. And don't feel guilty if your lifestyle isn't up to anyone else's expectations.
Susan Leventhal, a family therapist in Toronto, recently counselled a friend who was raised deeply religious but rejected the faith in adulthood. "She was just cringing about what her family would think of her modern ways," says Leventhal. "I told her that you have to warn them that at your holiday party there will be drinking, and possibly off-colour language or humour, and give them the choice whether they want to come. At some point you just have to say, ‘Hey, we live this way,' even with your own family."
6. Don't blow the bank
"Getting caught up in the consumer frenzy of the holidays just adds to the pressure of the season," says Leventhal. Buying gifts in some kind of childish competition with your sister who can afford to blow the bank is both foolish and foolhardy. Create holiday rituals out of simple things that don't cost a cent, such as going out and cutting down a tree, baking cookies, making decorations, playing favourite board games, watching old movies and looking at family photo albums together. These are the things that make lasting family memories — and keep everybody from dreading the arrival of credit-card bills come January.
7. Take care
"Self-care is hugely important," says Sukornyk. "Don't neglect your regular fitness regime. Staying on top of your game will keep you from feeling fat and frumpy." This is also good advice for your guests. Gather schedules of nearby fitness classes, or arrange passes for your visitors at your club so that you can all boost your endorphins together. Sukornyk also recommends that you have healthy snacks around as well as holiday treats, and organize fun outdoor activities for everybody, such as cross-country skiing and tobogganing. "It's a healthy way of spending time together," says Sukornyk, "and it gets everybody out of the house for a little bit of air." Dowsling adds that it's also important to ensure there are lots of nonalcoholic drinks available.
8. Have a blast
In my experience, the best way to host guests, whether for the actual holiday or an extended stay at any time, is simply to enjoy doing it. If that means stripping down your fantasy of having a guest room out of a Crabtree & Evelyn ad or asking for help with the grocery shopping, table setting and general upkeep (even if it isn't typically offered by your family or guests who see you as superwoman), then so be it. This way you'll keep your evil alter ego — the holiday hostess from hell — at bay.
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