8 ways to be a happy holiday hostess

Ah, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, the tree twinkling with Granny's handmade ornaments … your sister's kids up and whining well after midnight, Uncle Burt's customary cracks about your weight and the savaged remains of the turkey that you slaved over rescued from the dog's mouth. Going home for the holidays, or hosting friends and family, is something many of us look forward to as soon as the leaves start falling. And yet that longed-for togetherness can often be a recipe for outright disaster, especially when you are all cooped up together over turkey trying to actually enjoy the many demands of what some ironic soul once dubbed the "festive" season.

The roots of holiday stress
"The holiday season is fraught with stress for families," says Dr. Janet Dowsling, a G.P. psychotherapist in Toronto. She attributes this to our high expectations that the holidays will be a Hallmark moment. But more often than not, holiday time is actually tough on relationships as emotions run high, says Dowsling. At no time is this more true than when families both play and stay together over the holidays. "Half of the people may not really want to be there, and the others are simply stressed by the rigours of hosting," she adds. Throw in a few drinks and things can really get heated as old issues that were never resolved rise to the surface and the "fun" begins.

Relatives and religions
Moreover, hosting takes on a new complexity for modern families with mixed traditions like mine. I'm a busy working mother of two who was raised Jewish and married a Lutheran, so our home during the holidays is a 24-hour pressure cooker as we try to keep all our in-laws happy and well fed. We make latkes and almond cookies as well as my husband's family's speckkuchen, polish the menorah and deck the halls. The shopping alone for Hanukkah gelt and presents from Santa is practically a full-time job. Sometimes the holiday schedule is so draining, and we all get so testy with one another, that we wish we could just hop on the next plane to the Caribbean.

But there has to be a better solution than skipping town. To shed some light on how to avoid the holiday gathering from hell, I polled a few friends and experts. They shared their victories and horror stories, and gave me some sage advice that I'm pleased to pass on. Here are eight great tips for hosting that will make your holidays the most wonderful time of the year — or at least keep you all on speaking terms.

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1. Be prepared
Publisher Sarah MacLachlan decorates her house the second week in December. Michelle Josephson, a decorator, bakes shortbread and freezes it weeks in advance to bring as hostess gifts and serve at her own parties. It may sound simple, but taking the time in advance will make you a more relaxed hostess so you can concentrate on what is really important: setting the right tone and enjoying the company in your home.

2. Vet the invite list
Dowsling believes in limiting your guest list to friends and family you enjoy rather than those you feel obligated to include in the festivities. "Christmas, in particular, has become this highly materialistic consumer event. We spend too much and eat and drink too much when the holiday spirit should simply be about sharing good times with good people," she says. To avoid a Third World War over not inviting your second cousin Marvin on the big day, try initiating several smaller gatherings before, or even after, the holiday season.

3. Give up on perfect
Sure, throwing holiday parties is fun. You get to plan the menu, fuss over the decor and play hostess-with-the-mostest in your lovely home. But going over-the-top at holiday time will only leave you so exhausted and resentful you'll be spoiling for a fight. Just ask Kate Larkin, a mother of three. "This past Christmas, I wanted to do it all," says Kate, who thought it would be a brilliant idea to host four generations of her entire extended family — on both sides — in her new house from Christmas right through New Year's. "Every night I was serving up these beautiful dinners for an army. By Day 6, I realized that I was spending my entire holiday in the kitchen. I was filled with these visions of Martha Stewart, but ended up a crabby exhausted wreck."

Michelle can relate. With two children from a previous marriage, as well as her husband's two kids, the holidays are not only complicated but also a lot of work. Everyone on both sides stays at her house over the holidays, during which the couple also hosts friends and family for Christmas breakfasts and holiday lunches as well as an elaborate Christmas dinner for up to 24 people. "It's stressful because I am a perfectionist," admits Michelle. "The tree has to be perfect, the house has to look just right and my husband's a foodie, so the dinner has to be fantastic, too."

What's the solution? Go easy on yourself. Nobody's handing out gold ribbons for the perfect feast or best-decorated home. But for most of us, this is easier said than done. "As women, we often feel we have to do it all ourselves," says Lindsay Sukornyk, a life coach at North Star Coaches in Toronto. If you're having trouble letting go, just keep in mind that constantly striving to be the ideal hostess will only annoy your guests.

"We put so much pressure on ourselves to have everything perfect, but most guests hate being made to feel that their hostess has gone to a ridiculous amount of work," says Karen Mallett from an etiquette firm in Winnipeg. "I don't want to hear that she knit the frill under the turkey."

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4. Share the load
"Nobody said that you have to be a domestic goddess, so don't be afraid to accept somebody's offer of help or to stay in a hotel," says Sukornyk. "When people ask if they can bring something, say yes," adds Mallett. The same goes for cleanup. Your guests will feel useful, and you can use the offer of assistance as an opportunity to connect. For instance, ask for help with the dishes if you haven't had a chance to chat with your little brother. When it isn't on boil, the kitchen can be the best place to share a few much-needed laughs.

5. Be yourself
When Cynthia Ravindran, who grew up Protestant, first entertained her Hindu in-laws for the Christmas holidays, she tried to score bonus points by making an authentic Indian dinner. "I was so naive I actually thought that I could make chapatis (an Indian bread) from scratch all by myself, which is ridiculous, because making them is like an art," says Cynthia. "I can remember my in-laws looking sort of funny, until someone finally blurted out loud that they tasted like sandpaper."

What Cynthia learned is that trying too hard to fit in with your spouse's family traditions — particularly when they are entirely different from your own — just leaves you with egg, or in this case, chapati, on your face. By the same token, if you are not a cook, even in your own ethnic tradition, the holidays aren't the best time to channel your inner Julia Child. "You have to be comfortable just being yourself," says Mallett. And don't feel guilty if your lifestyle isn't up to anyone else's expectations.

Susan Leventhal, a family therapist in Toronto, recently counselled a friend who was raised deeply religious but rejected the faith in adulthood. "She was just cringing about what her family would think of her modern ways," says Leventhal. "I told her that you have to warn them that at your holiday party there will be drinking, and possibly off-colour language or humour, and give them the choice whether they want to come. At some point you just have to say, ‘Hey, we live this way,' even with your own family."

6. Don't blow the bank
"Getting caught up in the consumer frenzy of the holidays just adds to the pressure of the season," says Leventhal. Buying gifts in some kind of childish competition with your sister who can afford to blow the bank is both foolish and foolhardy. Create holiday rituals out of simple things that don't cost a cent, such as going out and cutting down a tree, baking cookies, making decorations, playing favourite board games, watching old movies and looking at family photo albums together. These are the things that make lasting family memories — and keep everybody from dreading the arrival of credit-card bills come January.

7. Take care
"Self-care is hugely important," says Sukornyk. "Don't neglect your regular fitness regime. Staying on top of your game will keep you from feeling fat and frumpy." This is also good advice for your guests. Gather schedules of nearby fitness classes, or arrange passes for your visitors at your club so that you can all boost your endorphins together. Sukornyk also recommends that you have healthy snacks around as well as holiday treats, and organize fun outdoor activities for everybody, such as cross-country skiing and tobogganing. "It's a healthy way of spending time together," says Sukornyk, "and it gets everybody out of the house for a little bit of air." Dowsling adds that it's also important to ensure there are lots of nonalcoholic drinks available.

8. Have a blast
In my experience, the best way to host guests, whether for the actual holiday or an extended stay at any time, is simply to enjoy doing it. If that means stripping down your fantasy of having a guest room out of a Crabtree & Evelyn ad or asking for help with the grocery shopping, table setting and general upkeep (even if it isn't typically offered by your family or guests who see you as superwoman), then so be it. This way you'll keep your evil alter ego — the holiday hostess from hell — at bay.

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