Be a better listener

OK, listen up. Unfortunately, whether it's intentional or not, many of us are guilty of tuning out co-workers, friends and family when they're trying to communicate with us. Poor listening habits can result in anger, frustration and, in my case, a boyfriend who rolls his eyes in disappointment and turns his attention elsewhere.

Silence is golden
In an age of cell phones and instant messaging, the art of listening often takes a back seat to instant gratification and split-second answers. Being attentive isn't easy, says Luke De Sadeleer, a psychotherapist whose work with couples has given him great insights into the benefits of establishing good communication skills.

Being a more attentive listener takes some practice but the following exercises, recommended by De Sadeleer, will help you to avoid distraction and focus on another's thoughts and feelings. Soon, you'll be on your way to becoming not only a better listener, but also a more compassionate and attentive communicator.

1. Slow down your thinking speed
Many of us have experienced this situation: Someone asks you to repeat what they said and there's an awkward panic as you struggle to remember the words you just heard.

There's a reason why your thoughts may wander when someone is speaking to you. "Our brain operates six to seven times faster than anyone can speak, so our brain becomes occupied with other tasks while listening to others," says De Sadeleer. "People start working on what they are going to say while another is talking."

To counter your fast-paced mind, consciously slow your thoughts so you're able to repeat what someone has said to you. Train your brain to focus on the moment you are in, not on what you must pick up at the grocery store later.

2. Concentrate
The television is roaring; the kettle is whistling and you are assessing the ingredients for dinner when your partner begins to tell you about his or her day. Instead of shouting "What?" after every other spoken, eliminate distractions so you can focus your attention on your partner. "It takes a lot of energy and brain power to listen," says De Sadeleer.

Being attentive sometimes means being open to discussion. For example, if a friend or family member is agitated after a particularly rough day and not communicating, put him or her at ease by not pressing the issue. Instead, be attentive and let that person know that when he or she is ready to talk, you'll give your full attention -- even if dinner is delayed.

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3. WANT to listen
The desire to become a more compassionate and involved listener should come from within, De Sadeleer explains. "Often we pretend to listen and this causes relationships to go off the rails." Show your willingness to listen, even when it's not particularly convenient.

For example, there may be moments in your workday when you want to concentrate on tasks at hand rather than hear a co-worker's recount of their workout schedule.

But if you want to achieve a stronger, closer relationship with someone, you should actively want to listen -- even when it takes effort. If you don't have the time to engage in a conversation, say so: "Although I'd like to chat, I don't have the time right now." Then arrange a time, like a coffee break, when you can offer your full attention.

Lessons in listening
Caroline Winship, a newsroom producer at a major Canadian television network knows it's important to maximize her listening skills -- being a good listener is part of her job, after all.

Years of chasing good stories taught Winship to simply allow her sources to talk. "When you listen to people, you can learn more because their conversation takes you in a direction you never thought about," Winship says.

If you're a poor listener, you're probably missing out on more than just solid relationships. "Too often, people spend so much time waiting to hear what they want to hear and miss what is really important," Winship says. Valuable information can result from being an attentive listener.

Whether you want to open the lines of communication with a friend, your boss, your children or your partner, good listening skills encourage others to approach and confide in you.

While conscious listening takes time and concentration, the benefits are more rewarding relationships and a more focused, compassionate you.

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