Be a better sister: Dos and don'ts

Be a better sister: Dos and don'ts

Whether you're the oldest, youngest or in between, find out how your birth order could influence your personality and affect the ways you relate to your siblings.
Updated:
2009-10-28 21:11
Published:
2007-06-04 00:00
By 
Julie Beun-Chown

The youngest and middle sister

The baby
Whether a little princess or a royal brat, just one word sums up the youngest girl's experience: powerlessness.

Sure, she gets benefits — most parenting mistakes have already been made by the time she appears — but she also has to fight to be heard and taken seriously. “It's easy to see how she might feel powerless when her big sister is lording it over her, but a dose of helplessness comes with being indulged as well,” explains Stark. “Psychologists know that self-esteem developed when a person is challenged, rises to the test and succeeds. If everything is presented on a silver platter, she's robbed of the opportunity to enjoy that pride of accomplishment.”

That was certainly the case for Billie, a participant in Stark's study. “I wasn't a threat to anybody,” she recalled. “I had no power, no status. Not that (my sisters) were cruel or mean, but in the sense that nobody felt threatened by me.”1

Body image
For better or worse, the youngest's body image is deeply influenced by her sisters. Particularly “vulnerable to criticism about beauty, style and image because they are unsure of their own opinions,” says Stark, younger sisters are also far more anxious about weight, breast size and sexuality, because they witness firsthand their older sisters' blossoming sexuality.

“Some older sisters are proud that they have a hand in shaping their kid sisters' feelings about themselves,” Stark adds. “These older girls enjoy whispering secrets of womanhood to younger sisters who are often eager students, impatient to try out what big sis tells them to do.”

Career
Twelve times more likely to become a therapist than their siblings, little sisters turn to healing because “they tend to be there, in the midst of the family action,” says Stark. “I see it as a continuation of them figuring things out, putting the puzzle together.”

Youngest sister do's and don'ts
• If your sister undermines and devalues your achievements, work on your own positive self-image and bear in mind her motivation stems from being protective.

• Remember, your opinion matters. You can listen to your sisters' advice, but you're not obliged to take it.

• Be gracious about your unique role in the family. Your middle sister has spent her life feeling as ordinary as you felt extraordinary.

The betweenie
Unspecial. According to Stark, it's the one word middle sisters use most often to describe themselves, even though theirs is the only position to merit a psychological diagnosis — the Middle Child Syndrome.

Neither the eldest (most responsible) nor the youngest (sweetest or most helpless), the betweenie must carve out her own place or perish. How does she do it? “First, they may retreat into the woodwork, trying to take up as little room as possible,” says Stark. “Second, they may ‘scream for attention.' Third, they may take themselves out of the running and get their needs met outside the family.”

Not surprisingly, betweenies often rebel, leave home early and forge closer ties to friends than family. But because of that arm's-length perspective, their family often turns to them later in life for balanced, dependable advice. “Middle children are the black sheep of the family. They tend to be the creative ones who stray farthest from the family fold,” comments Claudia, the middle of three sisters living in New York. “They're the most independent.”

Body image
Sandwiched between a matured older sister and a cute younger sibling, the middle sister often has the worst body image. “She can't help but compare herself to her sisters,” says Stark, “and it makes her feel even more unspecial.”

Career
Happiest with hands-on and creative careers in business, engineering, writing and research, betweenies avoid any thing that involves unstructured emotional expression, says Stark. “They are accommodating and often independent, preferring to be free to do their own thing.”

Middle sister do's and don'ts
• Learn to relish your middle child role; you have the most balanced, even-keeled approach to life as a result of it.

• Develop a little selective amnesia. Rather than rehashing every hurtful event that made you wish you were more like your sister, imagine how you would relate if you were meeting her for the first time.

• If conversations with your sisters always end up in the same choppy waters, refuse to be drawn into talks about your failings or mistakes from the past. Stay focused on the topic at hand.

Sisters, do you agree or disagree with Stark's study findings? Share your experiences being the oldest, youngest or middle sister in our Relationships forum.

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  • Carmelita Weichert wrote:

    Jul 23, 2007

    2009-09-22 10:48 AM

    I agree. I am a middle sister and your description about her fits me perfectly.

  • Glenda Lewis wrote:

    Jun 10, 2007

    2009-09-22 10:48 AM

    Wow, this was what I needed to hear. Explains alot. I am middle and oldest child. Older sibling lived with grandparents and threw a guilt party every other day. Nice to know why I feel like the oldest and middle, great article. enjoyed very much. Thank You

  • sd wrote:

    Jun 10, 2007

    2009-09-22 10:48 AM

    I'm the middle of three girls. Describes me perfectly. Everybody in my family thought I was a bad person, until I moved out right after high school and I became the one to turn to. I'm more cynical, more independant, more able to cope with disasters and pain, the most willing to help my family and friends, and am also the most successful in my personal and professional lives. Growing up may have been hard to do, but so is being an adult. I emerged from my painful and chaotic childhood knowing that no matter how bad things are, how difficult things are, I will survive. Having this kind of confidence is half the battle. I've carried baggage around for years, and it's only made me stronger and smarter. My childhood was a blessing in disguise.

  • Sister act wrote:

    Jun 16, 2007

    2009-09-22 10:48 AM

    This would be true for 3 sisters in one family, but what about 2 sisters with a lil brother and the oldest not really raised with the family? Would the second sister possess the oldest sister characteristics??! What if the oldest daughter was not the father's biologically and had insecurities and poor self image described for the middle and/or lil sister? Would I be considered a total mess up? lol

  • Anna Oliver wrote:

    Feb 26, 2009

    2009-09-22 10:48 AM

    I am a middle sister. My older sister undermined me with my parents, brothers,sister and husband. she is really a mean person and keeps it up to this day. She is bent on ruining my life. I was lucky enough to have 2 older brothers, 1 younger sister and one younger brother who loved me and along with a loving father. Mom couldn'tt see though the older one until she started treating her badly after the death of my father. I am happy and content with my life and have an excellent relationship with my mother now. She lives with us and we travel together and enjoy each others company.

  • Stephanie Spinney wrote:

    Jun 12, 2007

    2009-09-22 10:48 AM

    I am sister #3 in a family of 4. The 4th being my younger brother who is Autistic. So not only do I relate to being the "little princess" who is not taken seriously but also relate to being an older sister who had to take care of my little brother. Strangely enough my oldest sister is my best friend and I can count on her good advice. I did end up in a therapeutic role as a mental health nurse, although I attribute that to growing up with my little brother. I'm not so sure that family dynamics can be put into a neat little package however, as every family and every person is unique.

  • Bec wrote:

    Jun 25, 2007

    2009-09-22 10:49 AM

    Oh gosh finally some clarification, thanks for the quick and easy solution for so many years suffering I mean experience. Hee Hee. I'm a middle sister and the older sister lives in the same town as me and this is really hard at the best of times. Cheers Bec

  • Reader Person wrote:

    Mar 16, 2009

    2009-09-22 10:49 AM

    This article was skewed in its viewpoint, and I found it both inaccurate and unhelpful.

  • diane wrote:

    Mar 17, 2009

    2009-09-22 10:49 AM

    I was raised with 3 sisters, I am in the middle I do see validity in what you are saying. However, with my own children, I see that gender difference plays and important role. First child female, second male, both act like first borns. third male ,youngest seems to fit the pattern

  • Caulette wrote:

    Jun 04, 2007

    2009-09-22 10:49 AM

    It's a good article if you are an older or younger sister, but what if you're a twin and have a hard time getting along with your sister.

  • Elyse Nakashima wrote:

    Jun 10, 2007

    2009-09-22 10:49 AM

    what about being the only sister? 2nd oldest? i guess i carry a bit of each of the traits, but any findings on "only's"?

  • Jennifer wrote:

    Jun 10, 2007

    2009-09-22 10:49 AM

    I am the oldest of two girls and second of three children, meaning I am oldest sister and middle child. I think that this article is extremely accurate. I feel responsible for my little sister, even though we are both in our twenties now, and being the middle child am most independent and relied upon by my siblings and parents. It's a hard place to be in, but I live with it. Good advice.

  • SANDRA wrote:

    Jun 11, 2007

    2009-09-22 10:49 AM

    I am the oldest sister,just me and my baby sister. I am 54 now and she is 9 years younger,I have always felt motherly to her, and a bit jealous. Thank you for this wonderful article, It makes me want to hug my sister and tell her How much I do love her. thanx

  • anonymous wrote:

    Jun 10, 2007

    2009-09-22 10:50 AM

    It's ironic....... I'm the younger sister, but was definitely the bossy, mean one. The descriptions fit, but the suggestions should've been switched for my sister and me, as I'm the opinionated and assertive one, and she's the one who has a more negative self-image..... <:-S

  • Jennifer wrote:

    Jul 27, 2007

    2009-09-22 10:50 AM

    Great article. I am number 2 of 4 sisters. I see many of the characteristics mentioned in us. Curiously though if there are more sisters between the eldest and youngest do they all take on the middle child character?

  • Brenda wrote:

    Jun 11, 2007

    2009-09-22 10:50 AM

    I'm the second of two but more a mix of middle and youngest

  • Julie Beun-Chown wrote:

    Feb 26, 2008

    2009-09-22 10:51 AM

    Hi. In answer to your questions: If you're a twin. As Stark points out in her book, it's a myth that twins always get along with each other. She has some very specific insights into the problem you face--I would advice you go to her website or book. For someone who's the middle of a large family--as I am--it's not unusual to find that you're independent, self-employed and a self-starter--you've always had to be, to get any attention. You're pretty lucky to have the position you do--you neither curry nor seek the good opinion of others.

  • Cassandra wrote:

    Jun 11, 2007

    2009-09-22 10:51 AM

    Birth order doesn't always apply, sometimes the way each child is treated can determine how they will act. I am the youngest but the information given does not apply I have an older sister who was treated more like the younger so it is like we have switched birth order roles.

  • Theresia wrote:

    Mar 16, 2009

    2009-11-18 3:00 PM

    This gives the older sister better ways to be with her youngers, but not much in how a younger sister can be better to her older one. It seems a little lop sided.

  • Sharon wrote:

    Mar 17, 2009

    2009-11-18 3:00 PM

    I totally disagree with this article. I am the oldest of 6 and the oldest of 3 girls. My youngest sister is 20 years my junior and we are very, very close. The middle sister has absolutely nothing to do with us as it does not meet her idea of what family is all about. She is totally self-centred and egotistical. No one can do anything as good as she can and she is perfect (in her eyes anyway). From the prespective of us other 2 girls she is spoiled rotten and uses people to her own means. She only has anything to do with us when she wants or needs something, other than that she does not even acknowledge our exisitence.

  • Tina wrote:

    Jun 11, 2007

    2009-11-18 3:00 PM

    It doesn't help when the middle sister was born the same year as the oldest, has been diagnosed with 4 medical conditions, including 1 neurological, was often told youre not old enough, for what her older sister did; your'e too mature, to make the mistakes the younger sister made, and, as adult, finds herself on a disability pension while the other 2 are doctors. Unfortunately, even with a university education, without employment, a person often feels without purpose. Although taking care of your family helps reduce this emptiness of purpose significantly.

  • J wrote:

    Mar 16, 2009

    2009-11-18 3:00 PM

    useless article. Just because these may be 'typical' roles, does not mean they are always the same. This is quantitative vs qualitative research, which is really not a good thing if you are going to be telling people what they should be doing behavoir-wise.

  • jay wrote:

    Mar 16, 2009

    2009-11-18 3:00 PM

    LOL... boy have my (baby) sister and I have problems!... not even close!. As far apart on every thing, we have managed to remain good friends. Could be the 1500 miles between us.

  • Lorie Collins wrote:

    Jun 20, 2007

    2009-11-18 3:01 PM

    My sister and I are like night and day...we have opposite personalities. We needless to say have a very hard relationship that has gone from being friends to being enemies. My sister has always been jealous of me when i came into the world, i was born 3 years, 3 days and exactly 5 hours after her. But she garnered all the attention. It didn't matter to me, I just learned what not to do by watching her. As we grew older, we did have a period where we were close after my niece was born but that went away after many years. She no longer speaks to me and that suits me just fine. I have made peace with myself that sometimes family is just not family. I feel sorry for my sister, she has missed out on so much in my life and the rest of the family.

  • me wrote:

    Jun 12, 2007

    2009-11-18 3:01 PM

    i'm not sure, along with others, which i am, the oldest, youngest or the middle, now that's a hard position to be in, to many families in one lifetime

  • Helen wrote:

    Mar 16, 2009

    2009-11-18 3:01 PM

    I am the youngest girl of a family of 11, I am number 10, I never felt like I was spoil , all my sisters except the one next to me, were great ,but my sister who is 18 months older than me, was very bossy, so we fought alot growing up,but now we get along great, but my sister who is the fifth sister, and 6th child, has been on the outs with some of us, I think she is jealous,I get along with her, but one of my sisters don't, and they live close to each other and married to 2 brothers ,so it is hard not to socialize as the kids are very close,

  • Elena wrote:

    Mar 17, 2009

    2009-11-18 3:01 PM

    I found the "lower your expectations" portion of the Do's and Don'ts for the oldest sister particularly interesting... how about Don't HAVE any expectations of your little sister because in my experience she has so far removed herself from my life based on feelings of being wronged in the past that there is no clear relationship left to speak of. I agree with your article whole heartedly! I supposed if both parties act out your advice I can see a lovely relationship continuing for many years. Nothing works if one party doesn't make that effort as per the cliche' "it takes two to tango". (oldest sister)

  • Robin wrote:

    Jun 12, 2007

    2009-11-18 3:01 PM

    I have to say that i do agree with somethings but disagree with others,for instance,i am the youngest of three,the baby. I have an older brother and sister. My siblings are amazing and are my rocks and i love them dearly but I feel like the black sheep of the family my sister can never do wrong and i can never do right,i am always over reacting or i am too sensitive,they tell me i am a drama queen when i try to explain how i feel. When we have family gatherings i feel invisable. I do know that if i ever have 2 girls i will always make them feel important in their own way,because i know how it feels to be pushed aside.

  • Shaista wrote:

    Jun 11, 2007

    2009-11-18 3:02 PM

    being the oldest, i feel my 2 younger sisters resenting me, when i make efforts to advise them. we have times when we cant stop chatting and also when we wish the other wasnt even born.most importantly, they need to understand that im advising them,and for me, i need to back off a bit. we ussually have a great time, doing everything together.

  • D wrote:

    Jun 20, 2007

    2009-11-18 3:02 PM

    Well done. Your article is balanced and relevant to me. I spotted many traits that both my older sisters and myself carry. Privileges the oldest worked for, were no-longer privileges for me, but rather non-events. This was/is mentioned as taking for granted hard fought privileges. This is true, however, youngest children rarely receive the attention that the older siblings received in their formative years. In place of a doting mother/father, they receive care from siblings ill-equipped to parent at 10 or 8 years of age. The oldest sibling lowering their expectations is difficult. The status they had when we were children evaporates when we are grown up. They feel marginalized, disrespected and that no-one appreciates them for past efforts. They want always to be the "Boss" and when they can't, they lash out and pout. They have an attitude that "I put you first when you were a baby. Now you have to put me first, now that you are an adult." The middle child has legitimate issues, but no-one can turn back time. Everyone has issues. At the end of the day, it should be fairly obvious to all siblings (Oldest/Middle/Baby) that we prospered and overcame any mistakes made by parents or fellow siblings. Lets enjoy one another's company while we can. Lets laugh about the good times and cry about the bad times. Mostly, lets remember blood is thicker than water and you only get one go around the Merry-Go-Round called Life.

  • Joan MacLean wrote:

    Jun 12, 2007

    2009-11-18 3:02 PM

    I am the second sister and the middle child. I see a lot of the 'middle' in me (I looked outside the family for approval and connections), but when I was nine I rebelled against my older sister's control. Since then, some of the first and middle roles reversed but not all of them. We are in our 50's now and respect each other's space and strengths, but it took until we were in our 30's to start to realize why we acted as we did. Parents can do a lot to foster caring and support among their children. By having them help each other from the time they are toddlers they learn to share and work together. By avoiding comparing one to the other, especially in a negative way, they can minimize the children each feeling that the parents love the other one more. My parents did the best they knew how, with the knowledge that was available at the time as most parents do, but we had a lot of sibling jealousy to overcome. As most of the people reading this article are probably adult sisters, I wish you all good luck in developing a fulfilling and sustaining relationship with your sister(s).
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