Be a better sister: Dos and don'ts

Sisters — Love them or hate them, you can't, as they say, live without them.

But whether she's your best friend or your worst critic, Canadian psychologist Vikki Stark says your sister is the most powerful influence in your life. She can affect your career choice, your body image and even how you handle relationships.

“Sisters loom larger in each other's lives than other relationships,” says Stark, author of My Sister, Myself: Understanding the Sibling Relationship That Shapes Our Lives, Our Loves and Ourselves (McGraw-Hill, 2006), a book based on an international study analyzing 400 sisters. “Friends, work colleagues, partners…they all come and go over time. But your sister is always there, as a marker. She's been there from the very, very beginning.”

Together forever
At its best, the sister bond is awe-inspiring — a blend of mutual support, unconditional love, honesty and acceptance. Stark cites the story of two elderly sisters named Violet and Rose as an example. Strongly bonded as children growing up in London, they moved to America together and raised their children in the same neighbourhood, where they attended the same school.

The sisters spoke every day by phone, even though calls invariably ended with one insisting, “That's the last time I'm ever speaking to that woman!” In the end, news that Rose had a stroke caused Violet to have a heart attack. “The most valuable aspect of the sister bond is that sense that there is someone who has unconditional positive regard for you, even when you have a star-crossed relationship,” observes Stark. “It's not always evident or accessible, but you know you're not alone in the world.”

Yet not every sister relationship is deeply loving. During her research, Stark uncovered the universal down side to sisterhood: envy, resentment and competition. As study participant Jessanyn Miller put it: “Don't we all fear our sisters to a certain extent — for whatever reason? Fear their harsh words, fear their kind words, fear their beauty, fear their ugliness…fear that we are too much, or not enough, like them?”

But in the end, says Stark, how much of an impact your sister has on you depends largely on where you land in the family's pecking order.

The little mother
A baby sister comes home from the hospital and the magic words are spoken: “Now you're mummy's little helper.” Carte-blanche to be bossy, protective or doting, being the eldest can be a joy or a burden. Some of those Stark interviewed loved the chance to gently guide their sister though life; most said it left them with a constricted childhood and hyper-responsible personalities. “I talked with women who felt guilty because, in a frustrated effort to get their sisters to behave, they were mean to them,” she says. “I met women who were resentful because they were given responsibility, but not authority.”

Lasting bitterness is also caused when privileges the eldest worked hard for — like dating or wearing makeup — are taken for granted by the youngest. “Older sisters may also feel that their younger sisters are selfish as well as demanding,” says Stark. “They feel let down when younger sisters put themselves first.”

Body image
The oldest may be the first to wear a bra and hit puberty, but she's also more likely to feel insecure and jealous over how her femininity stacks up against her sister's. “Even as adults, the eldest worry about being eclipsed by younger sisters,” observes Stark. “There is a fear of competition.”

Career
As the most responsible, managerial and effective sister, there's not much the oldest can't do. Even so, says Stark, her nurturing impulse means that one in five older sisters will go into medicine — specifically as doctors, nurses and dentists.

Older sister do's and don'ts
• You may think you know better than your younger sister, but resist the temptation to add a soundtrack of advice and criticism to her mistakes. She will appreciate your silent support and approval.

• Give your baby sister some credit. Don't view her achievements in terms of what you want for her, but what she's done for herself.

• Lower your expectations. Accept your sister may not remember your kids' birthdays or automatically include you in her social life. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

• Respect your middle sister's insecurities about her place in the family. Your assertive, take-charge manner may undermine her sense of belonging.

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The baby
Whether a little princess or a royal brat, just one word sums up the youngest girl's experience: powerlessness.

Sure, she gets benefits — most parenting mistakes have already been made by the time she appears — but she also has to fight to be heard and taken seriously. “It's easy to see how she might feel powerless when her big sister is lording it over her, but a dose of helplessness comes with being indulged as well,” explains Stark. “Psychologists know that self-esteem developed when a person is challenged, rises to the test and succeeds. If everything is presented on a silver platter, she's robbed of the opportunity to enjoy that pride of accomplishment.”

That was certainly the case for Billie, a participant in Stark's study. “I wasn't a threat to anybody,” she recalled. “I had no power, no status. Not that (my sisters) were cruel or mean, but in the sense that nobody felt threatened by me.”1

Body image
For better or worse, the youngest's body image is deeply influenced by her sisters. Particularly “vulnerable to criticism about beauty, style and image because they are unsure of their own opinions,” says Stark, younger sisters are also far more anxious about weight, breast size and sexuality, because they witness firsthand their older sisters' blossoming sexuality.

“Some older sisters are proud that they have a hand in shaping their kid sisters' feelings about themselves,” Stark adds. “These older girls enjoy whispering secrets of womanhood to younger sisters who are often eager students, impatient to try out what big sis tells them to do.”

Career
Twelve times more likely to become a therapist than their siblings, little sisters turn to healing because “they tend to be there, in the midst of the family action,” says Stark. “I see it as a continuation of them figuring things out, putting the puzzle together.”

Youngest sister do's and don'ts
• If your sister undermines and devalues your achievements, work on your own positive self-image and bear in mind her motivation stems from being protective.

• Remember, your opinion matters. You can listen to your sisters' advice, but you're not obliged to take it.

• Be gracious about your unique role in the family. Your middle sister has spent her life feeling as ordinary as you felt extraordinary.

The betweenie
Unspecial. According to Stark, it's the one word middle sisters use most often to describe themselves, even though theirs is the only position to merit a psychological diagnosis — the Middle Child Syndrome.

Neither the eldest (most responsible) nor the youngest (sweetest or most helpless), the betweenie must carve out her own place or perish. How does she do it? “First, they may retreat into the woodwork, trying to take up as little room as possible,” says Stark. “Second, they may ‘scream for attention.' Third, they may take themselves out of the running and get their needs met outside the family.”

Not surprisingly, betweenies often rebel, leave home early and forge closer ties to friends than family. But because of that arm's-length perspective, their family often turns to them later in life for balanced, dependable advice. “Middle children are the black sheep of the family. They tend to be the creative ones who stray farthest from the family fold,” comments Claudia, the middle of three sisters living in New York. “They're the most independent.”

Body image
Sandwiched between a matured older sister and a cute younger sibling, the middle sister often has the worst body image. “She can't help but compare herself to her sisters,” says Stark, “and it makes her feel even more unspecial.”

Career
Happiest with hands-on and creative careers in business, engineering, writing and research, betweenies avoid any thing that involves unstructured emotional expression, says Stark. “They are accommodating and often independent, preferring to be free to do their own thing.”

Middle sister do's and don'ts
• Learn to relish your middle child role; you have the most balanced, even-keeled approach to life as a result of it.

• Develop a little selective amnesia. Rather than rehashing every hurtful event that made you wish you were more like your sister, imagine how you would relate if you were meeting her for the first time.

• If conversations with your sisters always end up in the same choppy waters, refuse to be drawn into talks about your failings or mistakes from the past. Stay focused on the topic at hand.

Sisters, do you agree or disagree with Stark's study findings? Share your experiences being the oldest, youngest or middle sister in our Relationships forum.

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