Be the best holiday guest

Being a guest in someone's home over the holidays sounds so luxurious. But it can sometimes be more stressful than hosting, particularly when you can't help but feel that the slightest misstep might be the last straw that drives your burdened hostess straight to the loony bin. The best way to approach being the best guest is to keep in mind what it's like to be the hostess.

1. Lend a hand
Being helpful means doing little things such as making coffee if you are the first one up in the morning or emptying the dishwasher. In short, find discreet ways to make yourself useful that don't involve pestering your beleaguered hosts. Offering a hand with dinner is good, too, but only when you aren't in the way. "A guest, when told by the hostess that they don't need help in the kitchen, shouldn't insist," says Mallett. "If you are desperate to help out then go entertain Uncle Mike who needs to talk to someone about his new camera," she adds.

2. Show some initiative
The most difficult part of hosting friends and family for the holidays is keeping spirits bright. And often the best way to keep your hostess from regarding you as an ungrateful freeloader, who you will inevitably morph into if the dynamic veers off course, is to play your part and be sociable; that means making conversation and being fun. Be open to discussing Aunt Edna's linen collection or whatever your oddball nephew is doing with his shortwave radios, and don't ignore your hostess's in-laws if they are on the scene.

"It's great when your guests can hold their own in a conversation and don't sit there sulking in a corner," says Sarah. And if you're staying at someone's home for an extended period of time, keep yourself occupied rather than looking to your host. "Start conversations with open-ended questions, such as ‘Tell me about …' and ‘What was that like for you ….' Even if you think you already know everything about your family, the desire to learn something new provides an entirely different perspective," says Sukornyk.

3. Create some space
"I'm a big fan of giving one another space," says Sukornyk. "Go for a walk, make plans to see an old friend nearby, say ‘Don't worry about us for the afternoon' so you give your hosts a break from entertaining."

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4. Go with the flow
Good guests are flexible. You might always decorate the tree the first day of December, but it's not right to insist that your hosts, who always throw up a tree on Christmas Eve, should do the same. "When in Rome, do as the Romans do," stresses Dowsling, who also emphasizes that this is particularly important when visiting in-laws. "You will never be right in terms of asserting your way of doing things with his family."

"It can get difficult," observes Cynthia. "My father-in-law likes to take so many pictures and we are often looking at ourselves opening our gifts on his digital camera 10 minutes after we actually opened them. And my nieces and nephews are allowed to play Game Boy for hours. It creates a problem when I don't let my kids do the same. But you just have to lie low and remind yourself it's just for the day."

5. Get over the guilt
Sometimes it's OK to just say no, even when relatives make you feel guilty about not coming home for the holidays. "You have the right to say, ‘No thanks, I have enough on my plate right now and I just can't do it,'" says Leventhal. The same goes for turning down a second helping of turkey that you don't really want, or another cocktail party invitation you feel pressured to attend. And guess what? If you do go home for the holidays, it's OK to politely turn down the invitation to stay at your sister's and check into a hotel instead.

6. Play fair
When you are under someone's roof, it's not open season to discuss their failings as a homemaker, daughter, wife or mother, or to settle old scores. While this may sound like a no-brainer, when family gets together even the best-behaved people tend to forget their manners. "A good guest doesn't make things unpleasant or uncomfortable," says Mallett. "While you are someone's guest, you should be their biggest fan."

7. Deal with it — discreetly
"If your in-laws irritate you or your mother pushes those same old buttons, documenting it all in a journal, or even a letter that you burn immediately afterward, is a great way to vent without hurting anyone," says Sukornyk. You can also try stepping out for a walk when tensions run high. Even if it's 50 below outside, this is a better idea than blowing your stack indoors.

There. Now that you have the inside scoop on how to make "home for the holidays" a pleasure, I hope that this will indeed be a holiday season to remember — and for all the right reasons.

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