Communication basics for couples

Your Comments

• colleen wrote:

  Oct 24, 2003

  2009-09-22 10:46 AM

  Very good advice, I found that when I learned how to fight things got better all around. I didn't bottle things up inside me then released it with such a force that my spouse knew something was coming so tried to stay out of range for days on end which furiated me even more. When I learned how to fight and ask for things I wanted instead of expecting to have everyone know what I wanted my life changed. thankyou for reminding me.

• Leea wrote:

  Oct 24, 2003

  2009-09-22 10:46 AM

  Dearest readers: I would have to say that I rate this article an 8 out of 10. It is very informative and helpful. Great information that really works! Thank you very much for the great advice. All couples dating and/or married can benefit from insightful tips that are sure to put things back into perspective in any healthy relationship. Best of luck to all the couples Sincerely Leea

• C Collins wrote:

  Oct 24, 2003

  2009-09-22 10:47 AM

  I have found that the following process helps to 'get all your cards on the table': 1. Write down your thoughts and feelings over a couple of days, include specific details about particular incidents that are bothering you. 2. Take a day or two to step back and reflect on what it is that is really bothering you. For example, you're not feeling acknowledged or appreciated ( i.e. the If He/she 'Really' Loved Me I Wouldn't Have To Ask syndrome). 3. Tell your partner that you would like to set a mutually agreeable time to discuss issue(s), i.e. issues that are important to not only you — but ask your partner to also write down his/her thoughts/concerns. (Human nature is such that we get so caught up on what's bothering ourself that we forget that the other person has his/her own thoughts, feelings, and way of coping. Thus, it is really important to try to understand the other BEFORE trying to get him/her to understand you—this can be very challenging to do as we get caught up our hurt and resultant anger, and in placing blame.) It is very important that the two of you write everything down.

• Derek Bernier wrote:

  Oct 24, 2003

  2009-09-22 10:47 AM

  I totally agree with the use of "I statments". However, is it possible that the example given may be off. The first comment, “I’d prefer that YOU do the dishes after dinner rather than letting them sit overnight”, uses both I and YOU. It should possibly go more like, "I"d prefer that the dishes be done after dinner rather then letting them sit over night". I could be wrong though. Thank you.

• C Collins wrote:

  Oct 24, 2003

  2009-09-22 10:47 AM

  4. When the two of you meet, use your 'notes' as a guide to discussion. This 'agenda' helps to keep each of you on track and ensures that both of you cover all the issues that were thought of as being significant. Allow your partner to go first, allowing him/her to speak without interruption. (i.e. show respect for what they have to say by truly listening, and if necessary, take notes to come back to something that was said.) (Tip: Read up on 'Active' listening skills.) A final tip, schedule time to have regular 'couple check-ups' (e.g. every two weeks or once a month) to discuss items that perhaps can't be raised right away due to timing — PMS when feelings are most sensitive, when both of you are too busy with other obligations, etc.

• Randy wrote:

  Oct 27, 2003

  2009-09-22 10:47 AM

  Your article provides good advice. However, the bit on "I statements vs. you statements" is wishful thinking. The fact is that a defensive person will always hear it, no matter how it is said, as a "you" statement. Even a well worded statement inevitably contains a "you" word and, generally speaking, that is what most people will hear whether they are defensive minded or not. I think it's time that advice columnists let go of the whole "I vs. you" thing. I doesn't work!

• C Collins wrote:

  Oct 24, 2003

  2009-09-22 10:47 AM

  Not only is communication important in a relationship — any relationship — but for couples it can be very challenging to really open up and communicate at a deeper level (i.e. our true feelings, such as negative thoughts and insecurities). The tips provided in the article Communiction Basics for Couples are very helpful and true/valid. However, it is often 'easier' to hold things in that one feels is not worth mentioning only to have these 'things' build up and before you know it, something stupid (i.e. not the real issue) causes a blow-up.

• John wrote:

  Oct 24, 2003

  2009-09-22 10:47 AM

  Great tips, I really feel these are right on the button.....I have gone through 1 divorce and I am separated from my 2nd wife. I have learned that fighting is o'kay but the methods and the way we fought are critical to a lasting relationship. Thanks for your tips Johnj

• Michael Lawson wrote:

  Apr 29, 2008

  2009-09-22 10:49 AM

  I appreciate the non-confrontational ways of saying things.

• CarolMarianne wrote:

  Feb 07, 2006

  2009-09-22 10:51 AM

  Forgiveness is considered a christian belief, however, I'm not a christian and some things just aren't forgivable. To paraphrase a quote by Maya Angelou...I can forget what you did, I forget what you said, but I will never forget how you made me feel. Another quote, person unknown, says that "anything you can forgive, can be put aside until it's memory no longer matters." I was so emotionally and psychologically scarred by my IL that I began psychotherapy which proved to be ineffective. Now, I'm waiting to see if, in the near future, I can talk to a psychiatrist. Forgiveness depends on who the person is and how they made one feel. I seek to try to understand the person and then consider forgiving....other times, that just does not work. Anger, bitterness and/or resentment...these are toxic emotions and I have to work at working through these issues including my feelings about the persons involved.

• Rog wrote:

  Jul 04, 2006

  2009-11-18 3:00 PM

  What a refreshing article, Thanks Carole-Anne I have gone through a number of relationships, and a lot of therapy, and I understand all this now. Had I been armed with this information earlier in my life I am sure life in general would have been much easier and less painful. This stuff should be taught in schools

• melissa wrote:

  Nov 14, 2005

  2009-11-18 3:00 PM

  The advice is great and I will try to use it when we fight, but the only problem is he doesn't let me talk at all or share any of my feelings regarding important issues let alone share his own. He always wants to stop talking about it even when the argument has not yet escalated. Futher still, when we're I finally "give up" I feel like he's twisted everything I said and he won't even let me fix it, he's really stubborn. The thing that most bothers me is that I know that we could resolve so many things if he would just let me in and share his points of view rather than shut me out completely.