Communication basics for couples

There's a common problem that couples face everywhere -- many find it difficult to communicate with their spouses. Conversations can become especially troublesome when trying to discuss deep feelings or a contentious issue in the relationship.Communicating effectively will help you to let go of the negative feelings that unresolved conflict can leave behind. This will enable you to be more open with each other and stay close over the long-term.

Here are some tips for keeping your cool when handling tough issues with your partner:

1. Use "I" statements not "You" statements
Before raising an issue with your partner, take time to clarify what you are feeling, or wanting to change in the relationship. Try "I'd prefer that you do the dishes after dinner rather than letting them sit overnight" instead of "You never do the dishes." This will maximize the possibility of getting a constructive, rather than a defensive, reaction from your spouse.

2. Relax
Try to contain your own reactivity. Your partner won't be able to take in what you are saying if you're blaming or blasting your mate with anger. Try a calmer approach and you'll greatly increase your chances of getting a more positive reaction from your mate.

3. Be respectful
To communicate effectively, there should be no name-calling, sarcasm, eye-rolling, sighing, or put-downs. Recent research shows that there's a much higher risk of divorce when one person fights in ways that denigrate the other. What matters isn't so much that you fight, but how you fight.

4. It's a relationship, not a court of law
Don't debate, challenge, or dismiss your partner's feelings. The goal isn't to win -- it's to understand. Without getting defensive, try to listen, really listen, to what your spouse is saying about his or her feelings.

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5. Interrupt when needed
Stopping unproductive fighting can be difficult to do, but if you're having an escalating argument that's going nowhere, things are probably going to get worse. Say, "Let's stop. I think we should take a break and talk about this later." Go for a walk and calm down before continuing the discussion.