Correct a problem conflict style

Your boss repeatedly ignores your concerns over a coworker's disruptive behaviour at work and, at home, your husband cowers every time you bring up the credit card bills. When you try to be assertive, you end up overpowering a situation, but being a wallflower gets you nowhere. (Read about 6 strategies for successful negotiation.)

Whether the thought of going one-on-one with someone makes you queasy or giddy with anticipation for a knockout fight, your conflict style could be sabotaging your relationships and keeping you from getting the results you need. Understanding how people disagree and using your intuition in different situations can help you to handle disagreements like a pro. 

In their inspiring book Conflict is for the Birds: Understanding Your Conflict Management Style (CCR International Publishing Inc., 2006), authors Gayle Wiebe Oudeh and Nabil Oudeh pinpoint five distinct conflict styles they liken to different types of birds. "There are so many parallels [of bird behaviour] to human behaviour," says Gayle.

Are you an owl or an ostrich?
The Oudehs' distinct conflict-management styles are:

1. Woodpecker — a tenacious person who tends to hammer at issues
2. Parakeet — a friendly person who excels at conversation and aims to please
3. Owl — a slow-moving decision-maker who is perceptive and needs all the facts
4. Ostrich — prefers to work undetected and avoid hostility but has a nasty bite when cornered
5. Hummingbird — this energetic character is quick to make a decision and shift positions

Be a balance of the birds
Gayle stresses that the key to managing disaccord is to not "fly off the handle," but rather to understand different conflict styles and prepare for a variety of situations. "You don't want conflict to catch you unguarded," she says. "In the end, you want to incorporate all conflict styles. We shouldn't be stuck on one — we should adapt to the situation or person.”

Some of these styles work best at the office, while others fly a straighter path at home. To determine which bird to emulate, ask yourself which is more important: the task at hand or the relationship with this other person? Taking an aggressive, straight-to-the-point stance may work well with your boss when you're tackling a major project, but that same approach may be too intense when you're engaged in a delicate conversation with friends and family.

Click to continue to learn how to adapt to the situation...

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Your nest at work
To get your point across or to address a task that needs attention, Gayle says the best bird for the job is the Woodpecker. "Woodpeckers don't shy away from conflict," she says. "If there is an issue that needs to be addressed, Woodpeckers will do so.” But don't be a birdbrain: Avoid being an aggressive Woodpecker who relies solely on derogative remarks to get a point across. An assertive bird stubbornly adheres to his/her position but doesn't disrespect another's opinions.

For those with a more submissive character, use role-playing to practise a Woodpecker approach and you'll find that your self-confidence flies high. If you hit a stalemate, meaning your beak is hammering away with no results, incorporate some wisdom from the Owl. Step back from a situation and try to understand all perspectives.

Preserving the nest egg
The two best conflict styles for relationships are the Parakeet and the Hummingbird. "The Parakeet's behaviour is maintaining relationships... sometimes our relationship is so important that some things are just not worth fighting about," warns Gayle. For example, if your fun-loving partner wishes to go to Disneyworld, but you dream of skiing in Quebec, you may choose to wear the mouse ears because you realize your relationship is more important; you want to maintain a positive relationship.

When a bloated credit card ignites anger, fight fair by utilizing a Hummingbird's flexibility since this will demonstrate that you are willing to compromise and there is room for negotiation — but you still voice your concerns.

If you stick to one way of dealing with hostility, you create a circle of frustration that resolves nothing — so be flexible. Fear may be a factor when you enter into a disagreement with someone, but when you understand — and adapt to — different conflict-management styles, you can decipher the best way to get the results you desire.

What's your conflict style? Find out by taking our quiz!

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