Friends for 50 years

The lunch crowd has thinned at the West Main Tim Hortons in Moncton, N.B.; only a smattering of people remain while staff prepare for the next rush. One group stands out, with conversation as relaxed as a lingering autumn twilight. They are the mothers from my childhood and the matriarchs of a neighbourhood that still feels like home because they remain as anchors and reminders.

Ranging in age from 73 to 85, Evie Wadman, Helen MacArthur, Betty Lockhart, Margie Kay and Mildred Steeves are the very best of friends, and coffee is a ritual shared for close to half a century. For years they gathered in kitchens and on patios, but since Tim's opened down the street seven years ago, two to three times a week the phone rings and a familiar voice sings out, "Leaving the bus stop at 10:15."

That's the signal to convene at Margie and Mildred's combined driveway for the short drive to the coffee shop. "We used to walk," says Helen, "but since Evie had a hip replacement and Margie had knee surgery, we drive." They order coffee or hot chocolate and sometimes share a single muffin, cut five ways.

The roots of a lasting friendship
In the fledgling neighbourhood of my youth, before trees grew and fences merged, mothers called out to one another from their clotheslines. We kids played tag and hide-and-seek while the women shared coffee breaks and recipes.

"Evie moved here first…" remembers Helen. "…In March 1959," picks up Evie. "Then while she was waiting for her house to be built, Betty would come over and have tea in my kitchen. Then Margie came in October and Helen moved in December that same year." Mildred was the last to arrive in 1962.

Somehow their friendship took on a life of its own, intertwining in the growth of the family life each nurtured. Through the years, the endless conversations about home and family drew them ever closer and, with the respectfulness of their generation, they matured around one another the way trees closely planted might wrap together, one trunk supporting another.

A friendship deeper than gifts
As a child, I wasn't aware of the undercurrents of love at work here, but as I grew older, I often admired the perpetual closeness of these women. There was comfort in seeing the constancy of their friendship.

They still celebrate birthdays with a single card signed by all. They aren't about giving gifts; their friendship is gift enough. Christmas deserves a special dinner out, then it's back to someone's house for dessert. They thrive on fun. When Helen bought a new car, the salesman asked what she was looking for. "Something to hold all five of us," she said.

Sharing secrets to longevity
Although rifling through the emotions and mechanics of relationships is an unfamiliar chore for their generation, the five friends agreed that day to discuss the inner workings of their friendship with me and two younger women. Nina van der Pluijm, the regional director for the New Brunswick Department of Health, and Tammy Betts, a physiotherapist, are 30-something career women who met casually three years ago, then grew closer while training for a marathon. Now, though, Nina and Tammy see each other less.

What, we three "outsiders" wanted to know, are the secrets to the longevity of the older women's friendship? How do they ignore or resolve individual differences or clashes? How did they support one another through the twists and turns of their individual lives?

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Understanding through instincts
What we learned were profound lessons in intuitive boundaries, the power of respect and patience, and the nature of truly selfless support, companionship and love. A wise friend of mine once said that when trust is achieved between women, they can speak of things to one another that might otherwise never find a voice. I discovered from these five that the flip side is also true: between women who have achieved mutual trust, many truths are understood but pass unspoken.

A fine balance of different personalities
First, friendships need a synergy of temperaments. Although the older women have different personalities, they still mesh, purposefully overlooking the tiny faults and flaws that might otherwise grate or cause annoyance.

"We practise acceptance in spite of our different personalities," says Helen. "We know what we have and how to protect it." While they admit to being dissimilar, they won't speak of what separates them, and to label one as quiet or another as bold seems almost disrespectful.

Telling it like it is
Yet among the younger women, Tammy values differences. "I tend to enjoy being around people I respect and look up to and would hope to be like," she says. "Nina is strong and assertive, but I'm very wimpy."

Nina appreciates Tammy's frankness. "I want honest answers from my friends. And, in return, they know if they ask, they can expect honesty from me, even if it's not pretty." She asks how the older women deal with touchy subjects. They agree none would say anything that might offend or hurt another's feelings, whether honesty were called for or not. This approach works for them; they say there has never been an argument or harsh word between them.

New mechanics of friendship
Tammy's desire to learn from others and Nina's quest for honesty are hallmarks of a generation of achievers that reflects, analyses and seeks betterment. We are taught that there is room for improvement and that this pursuit enters every aspect of our lives.

The older women's generation was less oriented toward eternally fixing the world or themselves. The five friends don't see differences as flaws but accept them as variations that enrich the colour of relationships.

"We are just true-blue friends," says Mildred. "You know no matter what happens, you'll not face it alone. When Wes died — it's hard when you lose your husband — my world fell apart and I was having lots of crying spells. Evie just seemed to know. The phone would ring and she'd say, ‘Get your coat on and come down here.' It was just what I needed."

"I can depend on them to be there without depending on them," says Betty. She thinks for a moment. "It's like having someone home all the time."

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What is a true friend?
The refuge found in thoughtful friends buoys and strengthens when the world threatens to drag us down. Being a true friend means developing the perception to understand the mode of support needed at any given time; paying heed to instincts that tell us when to offer advice, when to listen and, above all, when to drop everything just to be present, even when distance separates.

These five women learned through time and trial that the true comfort of friendship is attained through a constancy of presence more than any singular moment.

Staying in touch
Today technology allows friendships to persist despite distance, stressful jobs and busy lives. While none of the older women even uses a computer, Nina and Tammy correspond mainly via e-mail – but it's not enough. Women need time alone to grow trust and ease with one another. It can't be rushed or forced, only cultivated and nurtured."

I feel a sense of anxiousness," says Tammy. "I don't want it to fade. I really enjoy her company, but we just don't see each other enough." The pair might enjoy an evening out or a weekend trip several times a year, but these take great preplanning and synchronization of schedules. And they normally include their husbands.

"I've suddenly realized I don't have any real friends who are not couples," says Nina. "My husband is my best friend, and when we work all day apart, I want to spend time with him at night. It makes sense for us to have friends that we can do things with as couples."

Make time for the girls
Working women and mothers today make hard decisions about whom to spend their precious, limited hours with. Including friends in family or couple events might seem a good compromise, but regular women-only companionship is important for building closeness.

I think of my periodic lunch dates with friends: The hour passes in a blur as we attempt to catch up in the allotted time. We talk quickly, as if we have an agenda to cover. There remains no time for the relaxed chat, which, over time, teaches us so much about the other: How we think, what we value, where our hearts reside.

Different degrees of openness
Nina admits time with friends is so limited that "I need to get right to the point. If something is wrong, come right out and tell me about it." Yet while she and Tammy talk freely about what troubles them, it is clear the older women would never feel comfortable discussing personal problems with the group.

This reluctance to enter sensitive areas seems the defining nature of their companionship. But over the years, they have become so fine-tuned to one another, that words are often unnecessary for understanding.

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Friends are a support system
When Betty's husband first showed signs of Alzheimer's, it was a while before she could talk about it. "It didn't want to come out. But they didn't push me," says Betty. "That's where the help really was and another reason we get on so well. It eventually came out naturally, but even then, we talked about it without actually saying it."

I deeply respected the way the five friends patiently waited until the words were ready to be spoken. Today we feel if an issue is not talked about, it is not resolved. Sometimes I feel slighted if a friend fails to confide – as if it's about my needs and not hers.

Always there for one another
Even through the traumas of life, their support consisted of little more than a gentle reminder of their presence. They keep a respectful distance; like shadows, they touch but do not get in the way. This, they agree, is one of the contributing factors to their endurance as friends.

Perhaps Margie described it best, recalling when her husband died: "It was like a caress or a pat on the back. Maybe nothing more than tea, a cookie and a talk."

"We don't feel it's complicated," says Helen. "Because we know one another so well, we don't step on one another's toes. We are very intuitive. "We live in one another's feelings."

Sticking together through thick and thin
Perhaps this says it all. True friendship is a place often missed because it's achieved through acceptance and sensitivity, support and love; through committing time and respecting boundaries. It requires putting yourself aside in answer to the needs of a friend. The reward is the sublime comfort of togetherness through life's changes and challenges.

Thinking about the future
Even though she is now receiving treatment for lymphoma, what weighs heaviest on Helen's mind is the realization that they may soon have to face leaving the neighbourhood for seniors' housing. "We can't even think about moving on. We joke about going to a home where we can all be together, but we can't really even think about the time when we might be apart," says Helen.

As the women get up to leave, I notice the tables around them have filled and conversation escalated. Other groups chat and laugh and argue, yet not one seems ready to share a single muffin, cut five ways.

Long-lasting friendships are more than just good for the soul. Learn more about the healing power of female friendships.

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This article was first printed in the June 2007 issue of Homemakers Magazine. Click to subscribe online and don't miss an issue.