Mid-life sex is as good as it gets
What troubles her, Swan says, is the sight of so many women in their 40s and 50s and 60s buying into outdated attitudes about aging and sex, giving up when physical problems arise or a relationship fails. "If you follow the conventions about what you are supposed to be doing at a certain age, you'll be cheating yourself out of life," she says. "Women who believe that there are no good men out there, tend to remain single." Swan, who lives with publisher Patrick Crean, says that when mid-life sex works, it's about as good as it gets. A frequent visitor to the gym, she says that as women age, sexual attractiveness becomes focused on health, intimacy and, most important, self-reliance. "I didn't meet Patrick until I had faced up to the idea I would always be single, and that was OK," Swan says.Of course, sex is about two people, and most experts who study sexuality emphasize that, aside from the physical changes that go with aging, the quality of intimate relationships becomes central to an invigorating sex life. The true aphrodisiac, most of them say, is closeness based on good communication. "There is a four-letter word for sexual intercourse and it is called 'talk'," says Stephen Holzapfel, medical director of the Sexual Medicine Counselling Unit at Sunnybrook and Women's College Health Sciences Centre in Toronto. Issues that couples need to discuss frankly can range from the effects of menopause (decreased libido, vaginal dryness) to psychological stresses such as adolescent children or aging parents. Often, the departure of children can lead to a more relaxed sexual relationship, Holzapfel says, especially since women over 40 tend to be more knowledgeable about what turns them on -- and what doesn't. They also tend to be more comfortable with who they are. "Part of being in a relationship is ensuring that your emotional and physical needs get met and many women get better at this as they age," he says. "But that doesn't mean they don't have questions about their sexuality."
Celebrating sex
Often, those questions centre on matters as basic as dealing with bodies that don't respond as quickly as they used to. Linda Cantelon, a family therapist at the University of Winnipeg's Interfaith Marriage and Family Institute, finds that many of her mid-life patients are looking for advice on how to keep the orgasms coming. That can include dealing with a man's erectile dysfunction or a woman's depressed libido by using techniques like increased foreplay, sex aids and sexual fantasies. "A lot of middle-aged people are shy about discussing these things, partly because they may come from a background where sex was not talked about," Cantelon says. "Many find that it is easier to get things out in the open during therapy or in group situations. Sometimes, people just need to be reminded that sex is as much a part of us as eating and breathing and that it is something to be celebrated."
Being more open about sex can lead to other, sometimes unconventional, choices Cantelon notes. More middle-aged women are dating younger men, buying dildos or looking into cosmetic surgery than in their mothers' day. Jean Carruthers, the Vancouver aesthetic facial ophthalmologist who helped invent Botox (the drug used to temporarily paralyse facial muscles that cause frown lines and crows feet), says she has seen countless numbers of women receive a vital boost from knowing they look less tired. "Sexuality is all about self-esteem and I don't think you can connect with someone unless you feel good about yourself," she says.
Sometimes, making new connections requires nothing more than the ability to be open to the possibilities that life presents. Susan, a 42-year-old Guelph, Ont., mother of three who runs a daycare in her home, separated from her husband a year ago. She wasn't actively looking for a new relationship, and certainly not with a younger man, she says. But her boyfriend of eight months, also a single parent, is nine years her junior, and no one is more pleased than she is. In many ways, it is his youth and her delight in the differences between them that make the relationship exciting. "He is open to all kinds of suggestions about sex," she says. "You know, times of the day, areas of the house. When I was married, it was always in bed after the movie was over."
She has also become far more relaxed about her physical appearance: being 20 pounds overweight is not the problem for her boyfriend that it was for her husband. "A year ago, I felt frumpy and old. Now I don't care if I look silly or make funny sounds," Susan says. "For the person I'm with now, it is a package deal." She also credits her partner with a directness entirely new to her. "It's like rediscovering sex, what's fun and what's not fun. What's fun is the openness of it, being relaxed and being able to laugh. In the past, I had sex but you weren't supposed to talk about it," she says. "This person never shuts up!"
Sexiness doesn't expire at 40
Perhaps one of the surest signs that sexiness doesn't end at 40 is the widening horizon for older single women. Divorce, once a trauma for women who believed sex might be curtailed by single parenthood or signs of aging, has become a liberation for many. Marni, who was married for 18 years before splitting up with her husband in her late 30s, at first felt overwhelmed by the prospect of meeting men while caring for young children on her own. But her wide range of activities, plus a little initiative -- she's found that men are quite flattered if she makes the first move -- helped put her back in the game. Now 53, the Toronto consultant has recently dated men aged 25 and 61.
And the difference between the two? "The younger ones are more fun to look at," she says, "but the age makes no difference to the sex." She does find, though, that mid-age men are often more considerate and are not in such a hurry when it comes to their own pleasure. There tends to be a lot more touching and kissing, she says, and less emphasis on an intense orgasm. But things can be just as busy. It's not unusual for her and her current partner, the 61-year-old, to have sex two or three times a day. Ultimately, she says, "I want to be myself. If men aren't attracted to that, then I'm not interested."
North American women have become aggressive and articulate fighters when it comes to defying oppressive, centuries-old conventions around work and family. Now, as so many of us head into middle age, it may be time to tackle one of the oldest, most insidious myths of all -- that women's attractiveness declines with age -- and to prove by example that maturity and self-acceptance are the sexiest traits of all.
Are you having safe sex? Check out the article Safe sex: old and wise enough to know better.
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