Married at age five
On the night of their wedding, the bride wore a vivid red dress and red shoes while the groom sported a pink turban with a small sword hitched at his waist. There were garlands of paper roses around their necks and delicate henna patterns covering the bride's tiny hands and feet. That's about all Devi and Rattan Choudhary remember of their big day in 1968 -- Devi was only five at the time, and Rattan, her betrothed, was eight. "It was a good match," says Devi, now 40, smiling at Rattan sitting next to her in their Toronto living room. "He's a good man." They both laugh while looking into each other's eyes. Their gaze lingers. They seem to be flirting.
That Hindu ceremony in the Indian village of Dadar, 800 kilometres north of Mumbai, was the beginning of a long and happy union, one that defies western notions of an arranged marriage and the role that love plays in it. At worst, arranged marriages conjure up images of dour fathers forcing unwilling daughters to marry unsuitable strangers. At best, we assume married life is likely to be unfulfilling, given that the husband and wife don't have a choice in who they marry and that there's an absence of romantic love on their wedding day. There's also the view that women in arranged marriages are unequal partners, that their opinions and rights come second to those of their husbands.
The circumstances of love
Not so, say couples living in arranged and semi-arranged marriages in Canada. Although they may be obligated to follow the traditions of their culture or religion, they do have a choice, they argue. And the expectations that are enshrined in them enable them to have a healthy and happy marriage, rather than clip their wings. From the time they're children, young men and women expect that their parents will find them a suitable mate, they expect to work hard within a marriage to make it strong, and they expect to have the support of their families throughout their married lives -- all with the result that love will take root and flourish.
This is in sharp contrast to the expectations of western couples: first comes love, then comes marriage. A western woman sees marriage as the outcome of true love, not love as the outcome of a good marriage. She falls in love freely and chooses her mate. She -- not her parents or her background -- decides who she will marry, right? Maybe not, according to Parin Dossa, an associate professor of anthropology at the University of British Columbia.
Unspoken Western agreements
"This notion that people are exercising choice is a misnomer," says Dossa, herself the product of an arranged marriage. We're all creatures of the traditions, cultures and societies in which we grow up, which determine our choices, she says. For example, a typical personal ad in a newspaper or on a dating website shows how our dream partners are reflected in a few words that speak volumes of our backgrounds and expectations: "Single, attractive, warm-hearted professional woman, 32, looking for smart, kind and active professional man, 30-45, who enjoys the outdoors, the theatre and kids." Compare that to an ad drawn up by the family of a young South Asian, and the culture gap narrows: "Well-settled, Hindu Punjabi business family in Canada invites alliance with beautiful, slim daughter, 28, 5'2", Masters/ Psychology. Seeks businessmen/professionals. Photos requested." In both cases, the search for love begins with preconceived notions of who would be suitable to love, who is likely to make a good husband or wife.
In arranged marriages, the search is launched by parents or close relatives who believe they know their children intimately and are thereby well placed to know who will make them happy. Traditionally, families want their sons or daughters to marry within their caste or religious sect -- landowners should marry landowners; Sunnis should marry Sunnis. A similar background translates into compatible values and an aligned approach to careers, children and education. These kinds of matches are being made by families in countries all over the world -- including Canada -- with Muslim, Hindu or Sikh populations. (Based on the last census, Canada has approximately 579,600 Muslims, 297,200 Hindus and 278,400 Sikhs.) And up until a generation ago, the Inuit in Canada's Far North had a tradition of arranged marriages.
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