Just say no -- tips for people-pleasers everywhere

When my older son was two, there were times when I told him to do something and he simply said "No." I'd look at him in amazement, admiring his courage and amused by his determination. I'd say to my wife, "Doesn't he realize that I'm 6'1" and he's only 3 feet tall? Would I say that to a 12-foot giant?" And yet there he was, standing his ground!

There's an irony here: small children have less trouble saying No than adults do. This cheeky little kid had a skill that most grownups struggle with. I ask people in my seminars how many of them are able to say No in appropriate circumstances, and do so with comfort and confidence. Very few hands go up. 

A self-employed professional who was overwhelmed by work told me he had trouble saying No to his clients. When I asked him why, he said sheepishly, "Because they won't like me."

A second irony is that one of the most empowering words in the English language is also one of the shortest. When people can't say No, they get overloaded, stressed and resentful.

Why you should say no sometimes
People who are able to say No have less pressure and feel more in control of their lives. They also have more free time, increased energy and feel better about themselves. Pretty big payoffs from such a small word.

Learning to say No does not mean we become difficult or uncooperative. After all, collaboration and teamwork are essential in today's workplace. Saying No is about self-protection. It acknowledges that we can't do everything nor keep everybody happy, and we drain ourselves if we try. Saying No is about recognizing our limits and being selective in what we choose to do.

When to say No
No does not have to become your favorite word, or the first thing you say after "Hello." Nor do you have to say it often, Even used 5 per cent of the time, it will serve you well.

When is it okay, appropriate - even necessary - to say No? This is a permission-giving exercise. Most of us have no difficulty saying No if we have to leave work early to catch a plane. Here are some other situations when it's okay to say No:

1. When you're exhausted or stressed out.
2. When you're overloaded and out of time.
3. When you have higher, more pressing priorities.
4. When it's not your job or responsibility.
5. When it's not your area of expertise and someone else could do it better.

How to say No
The next question is how to say No in a way that reasonable people will accept. Here's a third irony: if you do it properly, you never actually use the word "no."

1 . Express your wish to help: "I'd like to do that for you" or "I wish I could be helpful."

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2. Give an explanation: "I'm working on a tight deadline" or "I have to get to a dental appointment." You don't have to get highly personal.

3. Offer an alternative: "Barb's really good at this, and she loves to do it" or "I won't be able to do it, but I can show you how to do it."

4. Offer to do it later: "I can't help you now, but I can do it next Tuesday."

5. Offer to do part of the task: "I won't be able to do all of it, but I'd be happy to do this part for you."

6. Ask her to help you prioritize: "Which of these projects would you like me to set aside in order to do this one?" She'll likely say one of two things:
a) "I didn't realize you had that much on the go. I'll deal with this another way."
b) "Set that one aside and do this instead."

Either way, she accepts ownership of the decision. She can't come back to you next week and say, "Where's the such and such report?" when she's the one who told you to put it away.

7. Ask for time to think about it: "Can I get back to you in an hour? I'll try to rearrange my schedule." Then, if you can't fit it in, call back and say, "I'm sorry, it's not going to work. Perhaps another time."

8. Ask what it's for: Help her clarify her situation and real needs.

Saying No is an important life skill in this fast-paced world. It's a way to protect yourself from stress and overload. Add the word No to your work-life balance vocabulary.

You can be tactful and still be assertive. You'll be surprised at how free you feel. And it gets easier the more you do it. If you want a role model, just watch any two-year-old the next time he says No to an adult!

Excerpted from The Little Book of Stress Relief by David Posen. Copyright 2003 by David Posen. Excerpted by permission of Key Porter Books. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.