Looking for love after 40

After she divorced in her late 30s, Joanne decided to concentrate on raising her two sons rather than start dating again. A decade after her breakup, she realized she was ready — in fact, longing — for a fulfilling relationship.

At first she met a few men through mutual friends. She tried online dating, but found it awkward meeting men she knew absolutely nothing about. Then she met Dave. Joanne liked Dave more than the other guys she had dated, and the feeling seemed to be mutual.

They'd gone out for about four months when he asked her to go on a cruise with him. But on their holiday together, Dave let it slip that he had invited his ex-wife on the cruise first, but she had turned him down. Needless to say, the fledgling relationship didn't survive much longer. "It was clear that all he really wanted was for his ex-wife to come back to him," says Joanne, now in her 50s, who began to wonder if she would ever meet the man of her dreams.

A different dating scene
Joanne isn't the only woman in midlife looking for love. Gloria MacDonald, a professional matchmaker in Toronto who has paired up 1,600 people, says high divorce rates and women postponing marriage have changed the mate-seeking demographic.

"There are more single, middle-aged women dating than ever before," says Gloria, owner and founder of Perfect Partners and coauthor of a book called Laws of the Jungle: Dating for Women Over 40 (WAM Publishing, 2007).

Fewer fish in the sea
If you're a woman looking for love and it feels like the pickings are a lot slimmer now than when you were 25, you're right. There are simply fewer single men to choose from as you get older. For example, between the ages of 25 and 29 there are 10 available single men for every eight single women, but by the time we are between 60 to 69 years of age there are 25 single women competing for every 10 single men.

And it's not just that men generally die earlier than women do. Many newly single men do remarry — but often, they hook up with women who are much younger than themselves. This means that women — who tend to look for men within a few years of their own age — are fishing in a much smaller pond.

But the news isn't all bleak.

Click to continue to good rules for finding love after 40...

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Changing the "rules," or the way you approach dating and the search for a good relationship, can dramatically increase your personal odds of finding a great guy. While you certainly don't need one to be "whole," or even happy, many women like being in a couple and sharing their lives with someone special. Nobody understands that more than Gloria does, and few people know as much about making dreams of coupledom a reality. Here's what she suggests.

Know thyself
Gloria finds that many women she meets are still hung up on their exes or afraid to fall in love again. Such mind-sets can translate into behaviours that say, "I'm not interested," or "You're not important." Why would a guy facing that sort of response stick around? "Ask yourself if you're really ready to meet someone," advises Gloria, and make yourself available — both emotionally and to actually go on dates. "Dating requires a serious commitment."

Ditch the "men are losers" mind-set
It probably won't surprise you to know that men are most drawn to women who like men. So if you're one of those women who think that you're always meeting losers (and there are lots of us), you'll likely continue to meet losers; it's often a self-fulfilling prophecy. As far as some women are concerned, "Any man can become a loser in a nanosecond just by not picking up the tab for the coffee or showing up a few minutes late for a first date," says Gloria.

The solution: Suspend judgment and commit to going on at least three dates before deciding how you really feel about a man. Gloria has had many cases where she had to convince a couple to go out a second time, and now they're married. "Success comes from accepting that men are different, and trying to appreciate their differences," she says.

Don't invest in fireworks
There may be little or no connection on a first date. But, if sparks do fly, Gloria warns against being blinded by the flash; instant sparks do not guarantee success in a relationship. Diane, a 36-year-old executive assistant, recently dated a man who gave her that Oh-my-God feeling. "There was real chemistry at the beginning," she says. "But once we had been out a few times, I realized he didn't have all the other stuff I wanted. It was purely a physical attraction."

On the other hand, and contrary to popular myth, chemistry can grow. "Many women think that if there are no fireworks within the first few minutes of a date, there never will be," says Gloria. "But I know from personal experience that's not true. I didn't feel a spark until I'd had several dates with my husband, and now I'm crazy about him. I'm not saying there shouldn't be a physical attraction, but it's not necessarily instantaneous."

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Have realistic expectations
Of course you have standards, and so you should. But many single women have lengthy lists of what they want: a man who has a good sense of humour, likes to have fun, shares her interests, gets along with her children and has a decent job. And, oh yes, he should be tall, handsome and rich — and ready to love her for who she is. Sound familiar?

The problem is that the pickier you are, the narrower your chances of finding a man and falling in love. For instance, if you'll date only men who are over six feet tall, you are eliminating more than 85 per cent of the male population. If you insist he make a six-figure salary, you can kiss 90 per cent of the men out there goodbye. "Stick to the things that really matter," says Gloria. "Having common values and morals is important. Having a full head of hair or really white teeth is not."

Be proactive
Chances are, the dating world and its rules have changed since you were 18. In the new reality, you might have to get up the nerve to call a guy for a second date, attend a singles' event or try your luck at online dating. In other words, you can't just wait for men to flock around — you need to go out and look for them.

After eight years of being alone, Karen, a 51-year-old school principal with a teenage daughter, realized that she really needed to start putting herself out there. She joined a biking and skiing club and took up golf. While she hasn't met Mr. Right yet, she has come close. "I believe there are good men out there," says Karen. "I just haven't found my match yet."

Don't give up!
The more you date, the more successful you'll be, says Gloria. "Even when you feel like giving up, you need to try, try again." Joanne — of the cruise-companion who wanted his ex-wife back — had to kiss a few more frogs before finding her prince. "Just when I was ready to give up, I met my partner. And look at me now, I'm getting married again. I'm being loved and appreciated for who I am. It was worth the wait."

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Looking for men in all the right places: Which have you tried?

 

 

Matchmaker, matchmaker
Considering a professional matchmaking service? Before signing on, get answers to these questions.
- What will it cost, and what is your billing structure? (Some services sell packages based on number of introductions; for example, six to eight for about $1,500. Others sell a one- to three-year package with unlimited introductions, ranging from $3,500 to $8,500, plus a success fee of around $4,500.)
- What is included in the fee?
- What is your process for finding potential dates, matching dates together and making introductions?
- What is your success rate?
- Do you have a feedback process?

What should you look for? And why do opposites attract? A relationship expert breaks down what brings people together.

This article was first printed in the February-March 2008 issue of Homemakers Magazine. Click to subscribe online and never miss an issue.

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