Mending mother-daughter relationships

The mother-daughter relationship is so important to most women, yet it can often be fraught with hurt, disappointment, disconnection, anger or conflict.

Here are some ideas to improve your mother-daughter relationship:

For daughters:

1. Understand your mother, as a person
Get curious about your mother and her life. It may help you to depersonalize some of her behaviours and to have more patience and compassion for her.

Ask about her childhood. What kind of relationship did she have with her own mother? What are the disappointments and joys that have touched her life? To what extent was she affected by the social and career limitations imposed on earlier generations of women?

2. Shift usual relationship patterns
It's so easy to feel and act like you're 15 again when you are with your mother. If there are specific things your mom says or does that push your buttons, consciously construct different, calmer, more adult-like responses. Consider talking to your mother about things that are bothering you in your relationship in a loving, respectful, grown-up and assertive way.

3. Take charge of the relationship
Think about what you'd like to change about the relationship or what would help you to enjoy your time with your mother more. Would you like to see her more? See her less? See her at a different time? Spend more one-on-one time with her? Share an activity together? Take the initiative to make it happen.

4. Know when to seek help
If the relationship with your mother is very toxic, if there is a history of physical or emotional abuse or if your mother is very controlling, consider finding a supportive therapist to help you heal and decide how to handle your relationship.

For mothers:

1. Don't criticize
This is the number 1 complaint I hear from adult daughters about their mothers. What feels like your efforts to help just makes daughters feel hurt and inadequate. Daughters need their mothers to view them as competent adults.

2. Listen
Whether it's life struggles, feelings, wants or needs - just listen supportively and empathize with your daughter. Avoid giving advice, which may reflect your values or desires but may not be the best decision for her. Ask questions to help her to figure out what she wants to do with a given difficulty or life situation.

3. Allow breathing room
Let your daughter make her own life decisions - even if you disagree with them. Let her make her own mistakes and find her own way through tough situations. Just make sure she knows you're supportive.

4. Draw on your own experiences
Think about what you would have liked your own mother to have said or done differently, and try to do these things for your daughter.