New dynamics between men and women
Striving for marriage and a career
Then I asked myself, Is the real lesson that we should end our careers to stay home and learn the art of darning socks? Of course not. It's that marriage isn't a matter of splitting things 50/50; it demands a 100/100 commitment. And to give that, to put 100 per cent of ourselves into fulfilling a marital role, we need to define what that role is. Not one of us would take a position at work without a well-defined job description; why would we be willing to do that in the most important partnership of our lives?
Similarly, just as on-the-job changes can give us opportunities to take on more responsibility and to shine, so too can changing roles within a marriage create a need for ongoing renegotiation and redefinition. In short, a couple needs to look at the big picture and be clear how each of them fits into it. Why wouldn't we accept the possibility that having a well-defined role in marriage might actually be an ingredient to a fulfilling, successful and long-lasting union?
Extra pressure on married couples
Another point these milestone couples agreed on was the fact that there is definitely more stress today for couples to keep up with financial pressures. A lot of that pressure is of our own making — we want lots of stuff, and we want it now, even if the nonstop quest for material possessions takes us in directions away from each other.
"Young couples don't want to wait for anything today," said Kaye, who has been married to Ivan for 70 years. Apart from wearing us out on an earn-want-spend treadmill, the instant-gratification drive has seeped into other aspects of our lives — namely, our marriages. Worthwhile things — like 50 years of wedded bliss — require hard work, patience and dedication. And unlike that new leather sofa and love seat, you can't buy them on credit.
Does financial independence mean romantic independence?
Jacquie and Bill noted that women today have much more financial freedom than their 1960s counterparts did. Does that contribute to higher love-him-and-leave-him rates? Maybe — one wife did indeed suggest that if she had been bringing in an annual salary of $70,000 she might have opted for divorce.
She did add, however, that she was glad she stuck it out, and was perfectly happy with her 40-plus-year marriage and looking forward to the future with her husband. Her position: Sure, you might come to a point as a couple where you want out, but you can get past it if you don't throw in the towel too quickly, which she might have done if she hadn't "needed" her husband.
But that's an interesting word, need. Women today don't need husbands in order to own homes or businesses. But I think that while women are no longer financially dependent on men, both men and women need each other no less, and for equally important things: companionship, friendship, emotional support. Why else would we spend so much time and energy searching for partners?
Focusing on your partner
One of the most startling pieces of advice I received came from Doug Hyde, married to Norma for 44 years. A good marriage, he said, is about "shutting off communication with the outside world." Huh? Did he expect me to marry a mountain man and live somewhere in the Canadian wilderness? Would I have to cancel my cellphone and acquire the taste for spruce gum?
No, it turns out. After talking with him, I got it: There have always been distractions in the world that can hurt a marriage. The key is to not let them creep into your world — that is, into your marriage. In our time, the sheer volume of media waste that bombards us every day has reinforced our tendencies to put ourselves at the centre of the universe and indulge our own whims immediately.
But in a successful relationship, each partner is not the centre of his or her own universe — they put the other's needs and wants first. No, I'm not talking about servitude; I'm not suggesting that you don an apron, heels and a smile while you box up your own desires. Instead, remind yourself that your partner has your back — trusting him to give you the emotional support you need is one of the most basic and essential acts of a solid marriage.
Speaking of which, will I ever have 50 years of wedded bliss under my belt without adding all of my marriages together? With my new insights, I'm thinking maybe. Given two years to find Husband No. 4, by 2060 — at the age of 92 — I'll be raising a toast to my golden anniversary. Now, where did I put my high school yearbook?
How well do you know your mate? Take our couples' quiz to find out.
Page 2 of 2
