What makes a marriage last?
It starts when we're young girls, prancing around the house with white towels draped over our heads, pretending to be Lady Diana on her big day. The yearning to do it seems to stir long before we even know that boys pee differently than girls. Lots of us try it for real — some of us more than once. And, according to statistics, many of us fail. Or, at least, fail to make it last.
Yes, I'm talking about marriage, that lifelong contract that binds us to another human being for all of eternity (or at least a few good years). Recently, watching the regional supper-hour news, I saw interviews with local couples who had been married for 50 years or more. What, I wondered, has kept these couples together for half a century or more? How have they stayed happy? Are they happy? Or are they smiling in those videos because, as the old joke says, "It's almost over?" As the ultimate runaway wife — at 38 years old, I've had three failed attempts at wedded bliss — I had to ask: Are fulfilling, long-term marriages even possible for our generation?
Finding couples in long-term marriages
My girlfriends and I had discussed this very question many a Friday night at our favourite restaurant. But with all of us either divorced or never married, we knew more about how not to have a successful marriage than how to have one. It was time to talk to the experts — and not "experts" with talk shows and fancy-pants theories. Real experts, who have been there and done it. Who have track records and glints in their eyes after four or more decades together.
Although finding said couples who were willing to talk to me proved a daunting task, I did find six who had been married between 40 and 70(!) years, were still smiling and who welcomed me into their homes so I could grill them. What had their expectations of marriage been? What is the biggest challenge facing couples today? And most importantly, what am I doing wrong?
Different generations, different expectations
Immediately after all of my interviews, I felt disheartened. Most of the couples had started out as high school sweethearts — a discouraging fact for those of us who let that ship sail long ago. Most had also worked together in their own business, had never fought with each other and were best friends.
All had lots of advice and wisdom to share, but at first glance it seemed rooted in a different world. Products of their times, these wonderful couples had married and started out with roles and expectations that seemed arcane, unreachable and even undesirable to me now.
After I'd reflected a bit, though, I began to realize that my loving couples did have a lot to say that was not only relevant but profound. They were simply speaking a slightly different language. I needed to translate it into my own — and, maybe, find someone along the way who could speak it too.
Gender roles in marriage
When Anne and Doug got married 42 years ago, the roles they took on were very well defined (and that, of course, was true for all of my interviewees). Doug (i.e., The Man) was responsible for providing financial support; Anne (The Woman) would look after their home and children.
They each had their jobs, and they did them. But when I pointed this out to my single friends, it only seemed to reconfirm the obvious: Marital fulfillment in today's world is a lost cause. My friends own homes or businesses and either work for themselves or have well-established, successful careers — and nary a husband in sight. A first glance at these couples' examples, and it seems marriage would work only if we gave all that up.
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