The art of appreciation

If you're in a long-term relationship, you may have noticed that your lover is as much a part of who you are as those old holey socks you refuse to part with. The old socks and your lover can become almost interchangeable — steadfast and reliable but easily forgotten when something really exciting, like a 50 per cent off handbag sale, comes along.

Maybe you figure that although you don't talk about it much, your mate knows how you feel, right? Not necessarily. So if you don't want to end up realizing that you and your chosen one haven't talked about anything but energy-efficient light bulbs in months, you should learn to appreciate your mate and perhaps more importantly, how to show it.

Like bill-paying, loving gestures are easier when you have a system, so here are five easy ways to show that special someone they can still make your day. By telling them so, you'll probably make theirs.

1. Speak up
He's looking pretty sharp. Tell him. She always keeps the paper folded the way you like. Say thanks. Anne Mariner, a Halifax-based marriage and couple therapist says that too often we neglect to vocalize positive thoughts: "In North America we are trained to be efficient and productive and when we are satisfied, we tend not to mention it. It's only when things aren't going smoothly that we bring it up, that we raise a complaint."

2. Schedule time to talk
Today's busy lifestyles often mean that if communication isn't noted in your agenda, you won't devote time to it. So pencil it in. Mariner suggests sitting down with your partner at least once every two weeks to talk about your relationship. This isn't the time to talk about who fills up the gas tank more, unless you want to compliment your partner and appreciate the efforts they make. This time needs to be about the two of you, not about the everyday things that get in the way of "us" time.

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3. Acknowledge the positives
Yes, this point closely relates to Point # 1: Speak up, but it merits reiteration because it's so important. "When something happens, express your satisfaction right away. Always place an emphasis on the positive," says Mariner. The more you express positive reinforcement, Mariner says, the easier it will be to bring up the negative stuff. It's about balance. Your partner will know he or she is appreciated, in spite of your unhappiness with the current situation.

4. Revive the romance
Remember how you used to give, give and give just to see that smile? Back then it was enough to know that your lover would be happy. Now, long after the dating years, it's time to bring back those selfless gestures. It doesn't have to cost a lot; it can be as simple as doing a chore when it's not your turn. Your mate will know you are still thinking of him or her, and in turn, allow your partner to think about you too.

5. Be affectionate
A spontaneous hug in the hallway or a lingering kiss over morning coffee — if it's been a while since you were affectionate just for the sake of that one hug or kiss, make an effort to give your partner some loving gestures. This one is a double bonus: it'll make you feel good too. Simple acts of affection can bring you closer, which Mariner says is essential if you want to connect in the bedroom: "You must be connected emotionally in order to be in the mood sexually."

The key to showing appreciation is to remember that keeping the connection alive can take some effort. Lasting relationships often need constant nurturing and communication. And remember, you're not in this relationship alone — make sure your partner knows he or she is appreciated. It's just as important as making sure he or she appreciates you.

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