Learn to listen
Let's say your partner is lobbying for a skiing holiday this winter, while you're bucking for a tropical resort. Or you have a great idea for a fund-raiser that you want the rest of your volunteer board to buy into. Maybe you want to talk your teenage daughter out of wearing a micro-miniskirt to school, or your book club into taking up a controversial novel you've read about. Whether you're at work, at home or out in the world, you are negotiating every day. With these tips in your toolbox you'll be ready to take on any exchange with confidence –- and come away from it with the best possible solution.
1. Create the right environment
Let's say you and your partner are discussing how to share child care duties. Get rid of any distractions by turning off the television, radio and cellphone, and ensure the kids are occupied. If you're struggling over the right car to buy, get out of the showroom and take the brochures to a restaurant to discuss over dinner. At work, if you need to have a sensitive conversation with an employee, have it in a neutral space, such as in a local coffee shop. A relaxed and respectful milieu is key to a rewarding result.
2. Listen and ask questions.
"It is all about communication," says former lawyer Elinor Whitmore, now a mediator and trainer with Stitt Feld Handy Group in Toronto. When most people negotiate they focus on what they have to say. Instead, seek out the interests of others so it will be easier to find creative solutions. That way you can work it out without compromising your values. If your teen wants to stay out for a concert until 2 a.m. and you want him in at 11 p.m., find out what is behind these desires. Let's say you want him in at 11 so he'll be safe, and you find out he wants to stay out until 2 a.m. to be part of the group. Rather than bartering back and forth, Whitmore suggests asking, "What ideas can we come up with so I can address my safety concerns and you can feel part of the group?" Possible solutions: "I will pay for your older brother to go with you (safety), or if the concert is on Pay Per View, I will pay for all your buddies to come to the house to see it (part of the group)."
3. Be in charge of your emotions.
Yelling and screaming is a classic mistake many people make during negotiations, says Whitmore. When your emotions are "driving the bus," the strength of your bargaining position is compromised. If discussions become heated, describe how you are feeling ("It is difficult for me to talk to you about sharing housekeeping duties because I am feeling a little angry right now. Can we talk about this again in a few minutes?") rather than acting out your emotions. Concentrate on the issue and look for win-win results. For example: "I would be happy to take on more of the cooking, which I enjoy more than you, if you agree to take on more of the cleaning, which you enjoy more than I do. Or can we cut back on our entertainment expenses to hire a housekeeper."
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