Contagious emotions, plus 9 survival tips for caregivers
Contagious emotions
Cheryl Rolin-Gilman is an advanced practice nurse with women's and addictions programs at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto. “Much of what the support person is feeling is being picked up from the depressed person,” she says, listing anger, sadness, frustration, helplessness and hopelessness as examples. She urges caregivers to “consider that some of what you are feeling is not totally your own, that it gets transplanted onto you.”
Lend an ear
Rolin-Gilman says she tells family members in support groups that being there is what's most important, and that “you don't need to feel like you have the ‘right' answers or feel like you should ‘fix' things. That is not your role. Just listen.
“Whatever you say is probably going to be fine, so long as you are not pooh-poohing or diminishing the experience of the sick person. A depressed person is not hearing you clearly, anyway,” she says.
But there are a few provisos. Experts agree that relating anecdotes or your personal experiences to someone who is depressed is not always the best idea. “The medication that worked a miracle for one patient,” says Rolin-Gilman, “will not necessarily work for everyone.” And other people's “success” stories may just serve to highlight a depressed person's overwhelming feelings of worthlessness, that they can't get well as quickly or as dramatically.
Responsibility #1: Take care of yourself
Rolin-Gilman also says caregivers have a responsibility to keep themselves healthy. “After all, who is going to help if you get sick yourself?” Sometimes you need to set boundaries to protect yourself or because a depressed loved one is not ready to seek treatment. “If you've given her the information about how to get help, sometimes you have to sit back and wait for someone to seek it,” says Liberman.
But, she cautions, and this is a big but, “if you feel the depressed person is in a suicidal state, get her to an emergency department immediately.” Signs can include complete withdrawal, a sudden change of behaviour and more obvious things that sound like clichés but aren't: if someone is giving away her things and writing meaningful notes to the future, step right up and intervene.
Seek support
With all this drama, it is important to remember what your relationship was like before depression came into your lives. “It is useful to hope the relationship will come back,” says Rolin-Gilman. “In the meantime, you need to take care of yourself. It's helpful to have some contacts outside of that relationship, too, so your whole world isn't revolving around that issue.”
Support groups can be a huge help, pulling the caregiver, the person so often ignored in the equation, out of her own isolation. Sitting in a room even once a week, with someone who gets it, Liberman says, can be a lifeline. And sometimes it's best to just wait for a storm to pass and learn which battles to pick.
A caregiver's survival guide
1. Don't blame yourself.
Remind yourself that mood disorder is a physical illness like any other.
2. Get support for yourself.
Contact your local Canadian Mental Health Association branch (www.cmha.ca) for support groups or chapters in your area.
3. Don't take things personally.
This one is easier said than done because mood disorders manifest themselves in many ways. If necessary, leave the room and catch your breath.
4. Teach yourself.
Knowledge is one of your best tools as a caregiver. Make sure you're aware of the best possible care and treatment options.
5. Be good to yourself.
If you're healthy and happy, you're in much better form to be supportive to a depressed loved one. Define your personal boundaries and set aside time for yourself.
6. Provide positive reinforcement.
Progress is often difficult to measure. Encourage your loved one during the low times and applaud her during the good times.
7. Forgive yourself.
You are not a hero. You do not have a cure. Like everyone, you have shortcomings, too. Be realistic in what you expect of yourself.
8. Draft a crisis plan.
With the help of your loved one, devise a plan that will work in a variety of situations. Put it in writing.
9. Develop a positive outlook and hang on to it.
Be optimistic. Remember your relationship with the depressed person when she was healthy. Keep that image in your mind.
Nobody suffering from depression should feel alone. It's time to destigmatize mental illness.
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2009-09-22 10:48 AM
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