The gift of gratitude

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Christmas 1986. My 23-year-old sister, Jo, dives into her stack of presents. "Ooh, I love it! Thank you so much," she says. Then, with an apologetic little moue, she adds, "Did you save the receipt?"

Believe me, I adore my big sister. But every year it was the same. And like any little sister, I'd roll my eyes and mutter "ingrate" behind her back. Still, her apparent determination to return everything became a bit of a standing joke in our family.

Learning gratitude the hard way
That was then. This Christmas, I could give Jo a button on a string and she'd love it. Three bouts of thyroid cancer, a divorce and remarriage, family tragedies and age have left her grateful not just for thoughtful gifts, but for every breath she takes. Recently, I sent her a pretty glass dollar-store ornament. She immediately called from her home in Red Deer, Alta., deeply touched. Jo has learned her lesson, albeit the hard way. But what of the rest of us? According to the World Values Survey -- a series of global surveys that social scientists have been running since 1981 -- people in Western countries earn and have more than ever, yet they are no happier than they were in the 1950s.

Indeed, we seem intent on complaining. Over the past 34 years, Hal Urban, an American author, speaker and high school teacher, has challenged 200,000 people to go 24 hours without griping, even to themselves. Only seven have ever pulled it off.

Why happiness is unattainable
Why so few? The reason is simple -- and ironic. We've come to depend more and more on material things, achievement and social standing to make us content. Yet the more we get, the more we need -- and the more unattainable happiness becomes.

Happiness, defined as the sense of contentment you get from having your expectations met, "is a very fleeting experience I wouldn't bother chasing," says Gregg Krech, an expert on a Japanese psychology called Naikan that aims specifically to nourish a sense of gratitude. Much more worthwhile, believes Krech, is the fulfilment that comes with cultivating gratitude for even small things. "Gratitude is not just about having fewer problems and more good things. It's about trying to change how you look at things. Your experience of life is not based on your life, but on what you pay attention to." In other words, changing your external circumstances in any way isn't going to make you feel more grateful or fulfilled. But changing your heart and mind will.

Consider the late Nobel Peace Prize winner and philosopher Albert Schweitzer. A gifted musician, he walked away from his affluent life in Germany to establish hospitals in Africa, where, despite setbacks including his wife's death and his being taken a prisoner of war, he worked selflessly for what he called "reverence for life." "Schweitzer wouldn't have argued that he had always been happy," comments Krech. "But at the end of his life, I expect he had a deep sense of meaning and fulfilment."

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The first step on that road toward meaning is a healthy dose of appreciation. And that means a shift from our preoccupation with ourselves to "something bigger to the community," says Paul Wong, a psychology lecturer at Trinity Western University in Langley, B.C., and president of the International Network of Personal Meaning. "Gratitude is a byproduct of appreciating others and loving people."

Need a refresher course in gratitude? Naikan (Japanese for looking inside) is a great place to start. The practice, developed in the 1940s by Buddhist Ishin Yoshimoto, encourages individuals to reflect on their lives, behaviours and relationships. The key to it is asking yourself these three questions regularly.1. What have I received today?
"I get up, and before I do anything else, I write down things that I am grateful for in three categories," comments Urban. "One category is people, one is material things, and one is intangibles -- such as friendship or love."

Recently, I challenged a friend to count all her blessings -- everything from her little dog to the heat in her house. She was aghast, saying it would take all day. "I live in Canada!" she sniffed. "Of course I'm blessed." She was right -- but she was also taking it for granted. We live with such wealth that we have come to simply expect the good life without comment. Hence, the second question.

2. What did I give?
My best friend, Lauren, contemplated this lately. Every day, she walks the same way to work, and every day, she smiles at the old hot dog guy on the corner. Recently, he stopped her and thanked her for brightening his day with her traffic-stopping grin. "I had no idea it made him so happy," she says. "I may have given him something, but then, he gave me something back by telling me how much it meant to him."

Whether you offer your neighbour a lift or say thanks to the doorman, chances are you gave something back to the world this week. But unless you're Mother Teresa, you probably didn't give as much as you received, says Krech. "Without exception, I receive more than I give. Even if you've had a great day, others have contributed to that. If you have a sense that you receive so much more than you gave, you will realize that, really, no one owes you anything."

3. What troubles have I caused?
Without realizing it, my friend Mauri helps keep my gratitude bank account balanced. She doesn't tolerate gossip. The minute conversation veers into those muddy waters, she changes the subject. It stops you short and makes you realize the harm you are doing.

Reliving those less-than-spiritually-guided moments won't feel great, but it will help you realize you're in a state of grace. "That recognition that you're truly blessed is the deepest sense of gratitude you'll ever have," says Krech.

And it certainly is one of the greatest gifts you'll ever get. It may not come in an expensively wrapped box, but neither will it go out of fashion, break or need batteries. In fact, it lasts forever and, best of all, costs absolutely nothing.

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Gratitude: It's good for you
Learning to be thankful isn't just good for your soul -- it's healthy, too. At the University of California (Davis), in 2003, psychologist Robert Emmons' Research Project on Gratitude and Thankfulness revealed that the more grateful a test subject is, the healthier he or she tends to be. Among the people he examined, those who did daily thankfulness exercises slept better, had fewer illnesses and felt more spiritually connected to others. They exercised regularly, had a healthier diet and had regular physicals. They also reported more mental alertness, determination, attentiveness, optimism and physical vitality than did the other group.For your kids

Teaching kids gratitude in the Season of Overindulgence can be a tough sell. But it's not impossible. Try a few of these activities.

• Gratitude poster: During the Christmas break, grab some bristol board, markers, glue and photos and ask your kids to join you in making a collage of all the people, things and experiences for which they were grateful this year.

• Gratitude tree: For Gregg Krech, an expert on Naikan, a Japanese psychology, and his family, decorating the tree isn't a one-night affair. "It takes about four evenings, because we each take decorations, one by one, and dedicate them to someone who has done something for us or been a good friend. We reflect on the whole year together."

• The $100 Christmas: Instead of making endless treks to the shopping mall, spend the time with your kids looking in the bush for branches to make wreaths, baking gift boxes of cookies or creating "family artworks" for those who mean the most to you.

• Reinvent the thank-you note: Long ago, before e-mail and instant messaging, people wrote thank-you notes for gifts lovingly chosen and given. What a fascinating custom! Let your kids choose a stationery or make their own.

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