Life & Balance

Be a better sister: Dos and don'ts

Whether you're the oldest, youngest or in between, find out how your birth order could influence your personality and affect the ways you relate to your siblings.

Updated:: 2009-10-28 21:11

Published:: 2007-06-04 00:00

By: Julie Beun-Chown

The oldest sister

Sisters — Love them or hate them, you can't, as they say, live without them.

But whether she's your best friend or your worst critic, Canadian psychologist Vikki Stark says your sister is the most powerful influence in your life. She can affect your career choice, your body image and even how you handle relationships.

“Sisters loom larger in each other's lives than other relationships,” says Stark, author of My Sister, Myself: Understanding the Sibling Relationship That Shapes Our Lives, Our Loves and Ourselves (McGraw-Hill, 2006), a book based on an international study analyzing 400 sisters. “Friends, work colleagues, partners…they all come and go over time. But your sister is always there, as a marker. She's been there from the very, very beginning.”

Together forever
At its best, the sister bond is awe-inspiring — a blend of mutual support, unconditional love, honesty and acceptance. Stark cites the story of two elderly sisters named Violet and Rose as an example. Strongly bonded as children growing up in London, they moved to America together and raised their children in the same neighbourhood, where they attended the same school.

The sisters spoke every day by phone, even though calls invariably ended with one insisting, “That's the last time I'm ever speaking to that woman!” In the end, news that Rose had a stroke caused Violet to have a heart attack. “The most valuable aspect of the sister bond is that sense that there is someone who has unconditional positive regard for you, even when you have a star-crossed relationship,” observes Stark. “It's not always evident or accessible, but you know you're not alone in the world.”

Yet not every sister relationship is deeply loving. During her research, Stark uncovered the universal down side to sisterhood: envy, resentment and competition. As study participant Jessanyn Miller put it: “Don't we all fear our sisters to a certain extent — for whatever reason? Fear their harsh words, fear their kind words, fear their beauty, fear their ugliness…fear that we are too much, or not enough, like them?”

But in the end, says Stark, how much of an impact your sister has on you depends largely on where you land in the family's pecking order.

The little mother
A baby sister comes home from the hospital and the magic words are spoken: “Now you're mummy's little helper.” Carte-blanche to be bossy, protective or doting, being the eldest can be a joy or a burden. Some of those Stark interviewed loved the chance to gently guide their sister though life; most said it left them with a constricted childhood and hyper-responsible personalities. “I talked with women who felt guilty because, in a frustrated effort to get their sisters to behave, they were mean to them,” she says. “I met women who were resentful because they were given responsibility, but not authority.”

Lasting bitterness is also caused when privileges the eldest worked hard for — like dating or wearing makeup — are taken for granted by the youngest. “Older sisters may also feel that their younger sisters are selfish as well as demanding,” says Stark. “They feel let down when younger sisters put themselves first.”

Body image
The oldest may be the first to wear a bra and hit puberty, but she's also more likely to feel insecure and jealous over how her femininity stacks up against her sister's. “Even as adults, the eldest worry about being eclipsed by younger sisters,” observes Stark. “There is a fear of competition.”

Career
As the most responsible, managerial and effective sister, there's not much the oldest can't do. Even so, says Stark, her nurturing impulse means that one in five older sisters will go into medicine — specifically as doctors, nurses and dentists.

Older sister do's and don'ts
• You may think you know better than your younger sister, but resist the temptation to add a soundtrack of advice and criticism to her mistakes. She will appreciate your silent support and approval.

• Give your baby sister some credit. Don't view her achievements in terms of what you want for her, but what she's done for herself.

• Lower your expectations. Accept your sister may not remember your kids' birthdays or automatically include you in her social life. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

• Respect your middle sister's insecurities about her place in the family. Your assertive, take-charge manner may undermine her sense of belonging.

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Be a better sister: Dos and don'ts

The oldest sister

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