Understanding depression
I remember as if it were yesterday. It was the summer afternoon when I worked out that my sister could not pull out of her depressive state. She was 13, I was 16, and it was the mid-'80s, when one simply did not talk about mental illness outside the home. Our windows were literally sealed shut, despite the soupy temperatures, as my sister howled like a banshee at the prospect of being dragged out of her room and into the car on a family camping trip.
My mother had been pleading with me for months to stop dismissing my sister's problems as a need for “perspective,” for her to get over herself and all the drama. She was early, our mom, in understanding that depression, like all mental illness, is a disease, one in which your brain betrays you.
“It would be much simpler if she had diabetes or something you could see,” my mother would say, sadly predicting my sister's need to show the world how much she was hurting. She was a beautiful girl; now she's a beautiful woman with a family of her own. But she has always had to suffer the extra indignity of people unable to believe how much invisible pain she's in under the bright skin and blond hair.
The caregiver's juggling act
When you live in the shadow of someone else's despair, you need a broad view, and you need information. Most especially, though, you need a game plan and advice from mental-health professionals that will help you achieve the ideal balance between managing your own sanity and being there for a friend in need.
Being in a relationship with a loved one who is depressed is a juggling act. You must try to balance your desire to help and support the individual while maintaining your own well-being.
Over the years, I've watched many friends and family members grapple with the unseen forces of depression. Two people, the depressive and his or her support person, become engaged in a tortured tango, where it is unclear when one person ends and the other begins. Emotions can overflow and overlap.
A real illness
Karen Liberman, executive director of the Mood Disorders Association of Ontario, believes the first -- and best -- advice for caregivers is for them to imagine their loved one has something tangible, for example, a physical condition such as a brain tumour, and then to imagine that the peculiar or irrational behaviour being exhibited is a result of this tumour.
For instance, if a woman with beautiful children, a loving husband, a good job and a nice car can't get out of bed in the morning, it's hard to sympathize. But you need to know depression is not sadness, and it is not caused by a lack of perspective. The sufferer cannot wish it away.
Understanding depression
The first step in dealing with a loved one with depression is understanding it is neither her fault nor yours. In moments of crisis, stepping back from the situation is invaluable. Experts recommend you walk out of the room, even briefly, to catch your breath. Cut off the conversation if it is going in circles; it is not what you say, it is how you say it. Your loved one is only watching your feet. The big question in her mind is whether she can drive you away.
That said, never be afraid to step away for a bit if you are getting too wrapped up. If you need to, get someone else to help while you get a good night's sleep. If you are well, and as the caregiver you need to be, things always look clearer in the morning.
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